FREE ERASMUS E-BOOK!!

FREE ERASMUS E-BOOK!!

Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine is now available as a FREE E-BOOK!! Simply click here to download right now!

That's just the start of the Erasmus news! The second book in the series - Erasmus James, King of Kid's Paradise - is now in good bookstores across Oz !

There are new teachers' resources for both books: also free to download!

And don't forget to check out the new, revamped Barrel Books website - it's full of surprises, jokes, free downloads and looks fantastic!

More Raz news to come!

Read more!

The DC Green School Show: Teacher Reviews

The DC Green School Show: Teacher Reviews

‘WOW! What a visit! DC was entertaining as well as educational. From the moment he started rapping he had the students captivated. He intertwined funny stories with brilliant writing tips that left the kids hanging to pick up a pen and start writing. Thanks for the great show!’
- The 5/6 Team, Bannockburn Primary School, Vic.

‘Thanks again for the fantastic visit to our school. You certainly inspired the kids to get into reading and writing and we already have long waiting lists to borrow the books we bought for the library.’
- Rachel Bolt, St John Bosco Primary School, SA.

‘Hi DC, We really enjoyed your recent visit to Palmyra PS. You have been an inspiration. The kids are so into reading your books and trying to emulate you in their writing. Thank you so much!’
- Janine Tindale, Palmyra PS, WA.

‘Thank you for your wonderful visit to our little school at Abermain. The students loved it!’
- Ann MacAdam-Kellie, Holy Spirit Infants School, Abermain.

‘Our kids really enjoyed the visit and were very engaged.’
- Rachael Hind, St Monica's Primary School, Evatt, ACT.

‘I've had lots of good feedback from the kids, they really enjoyed your presentation and loved all your antics. Lots of laughs were had by all.’
- Liz Spittall, Currumbin Valley State School, Qld.

‘DC's visit to our school was wonderful. Our students and teachers loved his stories and writing tips. Thanks for inspiring us, DC!’
- Holly Dixon, Kolbe Catholic College, Vic.

‘DC Green’s visit was highly successful. His valuable writing tips will be used as a resource for narrative writing. I’ve been reading Erasmus James during roll call to an appreciative audience who have begged me to keep on reading day after day. I like the length of the chapters. We now have several DC Green books in the library. Our reluctant readers have been borrowing and returning for more. DC has hit upon a formula that appeals to a teenage audience, particularly Year 7 boys. DC could work with teachers, in-servicing them on the finer points of narrative writing for NAPLAN.’
- Barbara Kelly, West Wallsend High School, NSW.

‘Our children certainly had a great time and have come up with some good stories.’
- Anita Goodwin, St Josephs Hectorville, SA.

‘The DC Green author visit was a huge success with teachers, students and parents. DC Green had everyone laughing whilst giving great tips for writing stories and how to improve their writing.’
- the Tweed Heads Primary School newsletter.

‘A great visit. The kids are still talking about it.’
- Jenni Gates, Coolangatta State School, Qld.

‘The students obviously enjoyed themselves as the books DC left are flying off the shelves!’
- Molly Hardman, Windsor Gardens Vocational College, SA.

‘Thanks for the great show.’
- Bernadette Aitken, Good Shepherd Catholic School, Amaroo, ACT.

‘A wonderful performance.’
- Eleanor Bell, Bundeena PS, NSW.

‘Thank you so much for inspiring such enthusiasm for both your books and for writing. A wonderful visit!’
- Michele Micallef, St Paul's Primary School, Vic.

‘A great show.’
- Ashleigh Blayden, Clarence Town Public School, NSW.

‘Thanks DC for both inspiring and entertaining the kids. Thanks also for sending additional writing strategies so quickly.’
- Julie Curry, Kahibah PS, NSW.

‘The kids here are still talking about DC’s visit and some of them have been inspired to write incredible stories.’
- Beth Morris, South Lake Primary School, WA.

‘The children and teachers were most impressed.’
- Diana Gamra, St Gabriel’s PS, Bexley, NSW.

‘A very high quality presentation… I have had some very positive verbal comments from staff.’
- Kay Bishop, Forest Lakes State High School, Qld.

‘A great show.’
- Margaret Cox, Sandringham 7-10 Campus, Vic.

‘The students really enjoyed the experience.’
- Jenny Charnock, St Mary’s PS, Warners Bay, NSW.

‘The primary teachers thought the show was suitable and were very happy with the response from the children.’
- Annette Darmody, Umina PS, NSW.

‘The kids loved the show.’
- Julian Lafferty, St Thomas More’s, Campbell, ACT.

‘Everyone agreed DC Green’s visit was a very special part of our Book Week Celebrations.’
- Jean Peters, Camden Primary School, NSW.

‘A successful visit.’
- Peter Millar, West Leeming Primary School, WA.

‘The staff and students who attended DC’s presentation were entertained and impressed.’
- A. McRae, St Patrick’s Primary, Walcha, NSW.

Teacher quotes from Narooma Primary School, NSW:
‘Children and teachers really enjoyed the presentation. Students asked some very interesting questions and were entertained and engaged.’
‘DC Green promoted reading and writing by being entertaining and funny in the reading and acting of his books. He was on the children’s wavelength and had them laughing at the fictionary characters. There were good teaching points for teachers in the promotion of the writing texts.’ – John L.
‘Even the little ones were interested!! Great to see.’ - Debbie L, K/Year 1.
‘Most enjoyable. Great sense of humour. Encouraged children to participate in reading and writing activities. Thank you!’ – Jane Richmond, Year 2/3.
‘Entertaining for all ages! Promoting reading and writing in a fun way.’
‘Very entertaining, appealing to the children and a great incentive for writing.’

‘DC Green had the children engaged from the beginning of his talk. I really loved how he involved the children throughout his talk - especially during the reading of his book. DC has written novels with topics that really appeal to primary-aged children. He was a fantastic guest speaker. Very entertaining.’
- Miss Isbester, St Matthews Central School, Mudgee.

‘An entertaining and informative talk. The children loved it, and many came up afterwards saying DC Green was great. His notes on writing are terrific.’
- Mary Healy, Teacher Librarian, Auburn North Public School.

‘I found the presentation fantastic & valuable to the students. I would highly recommend DC to any school.’
– Mr Dzbunski, Amaroo School, ACT.

‘DC Green knows his audience and pitches his talk exactly to them. Our year seven students were engaged from the start. They were excited by his ideas and coming up with their own. It was great for the boys to see that writing can be accessible and fun.’
- Sharon Mitchell, Teacher-Librarian, Ashfield Boys’ School.

‘DC's presentation to the Grades 3 & 4 was before lunch. In the afternoon, all the children wanted to do was write stories!’
- Jenny Chandler, Larmenier School, St. Leonards, TAS.

‘A very enthusiastic show. It was great and it struck me that as teachers we need people like DC to come in and jig up the kids cos by late in the term we are all out of zip. My class went back to class and started writing enthusiastically.’
- Tricia Pfieffer, St Patricks, Mansfield Park, SA.

‘DC Green was inspirational, even to children that normally struggle to listen for long. Children were laughing and completely engrossed during his talk. Excellent advice was given about writing and how to get those elusive ideas. Thoroughly worthwhile!’
- Vicki Reay, Teacher Librarian, Shoalhaven Heads Public School.

‘An informative, enthusiastic and humorous presentation. The children found it very enjoyable and it kick-started their imaginations.’
- Angela Karakas, Librarian, Undercliffe Public School.

‘The Years 3 & 4 kids loved it! DC Green was exciting and funny. We all thought he was great. Loved his jokes in the story. Loved the way he mixed modern with classical characters in his stories.’
- Lilli Pilli Public School.

‘DC Green’s talk was very entertaining and enjoyed by all. The students are bugging the librarian to get his book out on the shelf to borrow so they can read it.’
- Years 3 & 4 and their teachers, Yamba PS.

‘A very successful visit.’
- Leslee Evans, Shoal Bay PS.

‘On show content: 10/10! The ideas given about story writing and publishing were great. Students were inspired and made to feel confident about their own ideas and experiences and how to use them in their story writing. The personal anecdotes given by Green were hilarious.
‘On student reaction: 11/10! Getting some boys to read is difficult but DC Green made it seem cool or to use the modern term 'hectic'. Boys are buying the books, discussing the storylines and characters and enjoying a new author and his way of writing.’
- Angela C., Literacy Support Teacher, Marist College, Pagewood.

‘DC captured the imagination of the kids… A great visit.’
- Margaret Makara, St Brigid’s Catholic School, Evanston, SA.

‘Positive feedback has come from many students and also parents have come in to tell me of the positive impact DC has had on their children.’
- Melanie Conrick, Cardiff South PS.

‘DC was an enthusiastic and entertaining spruiker for reading. He introduced children to the nuts and bolts of the writing process and authorship in a novel and funny way. Really good value. Year 4 loved him.’
‘Great presentation. What a man! - sense of humour, has guard cats, can cook and wonderful writing ideas. (Can I take him home?)’
‘An entertaining performance to promote books. It's great to support such a talented author.’
- Teacher quotes collected by Linda Leslie, Barrack Heights PS.

‘We thoroughly enjoyed DC’s visit to our school and I am very pleased with the children’s responses to hearing an author speak about writing books for young people.’
- Maria Arrow, Assumption School, Bathurst.

‘A fantastically entertaining hour! It was SO appropriate to my class. Year 6 were very inspired and returned to the room to WRITE – very good inspiring stuff. Not once upon a time… We wish DC Green was at our school ALL the time.’
- Lyn Bedwell, Stanwell Park PS.

‘The kids were thoroughly impressed!’
- Di Imison, Telopea Primary School.

‘The children are still talking about DC (all good of course).’
- Maree Kelly, Holy Trinity Primary School, Wagga Wagga.

‘The teachers and children enjoyed DC’s books.’
- Judith Griffiths, King Street PS, Singleton.

‘It was a great visit. The kids & teachers loved DC’s 'show'. Year 6 have chosen Erasmus as their class novel this term.’
- Kathy Dean, St Matthews Central School, Mudgee.

‘The children really enjoyed DC’s performance and wish to recapture that moment through reading his books.’
- Carol Hick, Hayes Park PS.

‘The feedback from our students and staff has been very good!’
- Julie Veel, St Pauls, Albion Park.

‘The year 4/5 students found DC’s show funny, unusual, entertaining.’
- Sandy Skinner, Reynella East Primary School, SA.

‘A great visit.’
- Tracey Hicks, Teacher-Librarian, Eglinton Public School.

‘Everyone enjoyed the visit. The kids are still debating as to whether or not DC told them the truth about his name:-).’
- Nicole O’Farrell, Holy Spirit, Lavington.

‘The kids at Lithgow Public School still talk of DC’s show that we had earlier in the year.’
- Jodie Klein, Lithgow PS.

‘I heard a lovely story from a parent... The night after DC's show her son had a friend stay the night. When she got up in the morning instead of hearing the usual blaring of morning cartoons or rage there was silence. (always a worry!) When she walked into the lounge room her son and friend had a beanbag each and were both ploughing through their own copies of Erasmus in silence. Both boys have been known as 'reluctant readers' in the past. The mum was very impressed!!’
- Ben Stockwin, Principal, Bruny Island District School, AUSTRALIA'S SOUTHERN-MOST SCHOOL.

‘Spellbound, Laughter and continual giggles,
Sat one hundred and sixty children without any wiggles.
DC enthralled us with many a true tale
Of adventure and survival beyond the pale.
Inspiring the author within each one,
The quest for new stories has really begun.
Erasmus is funny and right up our alley,
We all want to win it in the authorship rally.
All of the senior children in our school enjoyed DC Green's visit so much that they are trying to win his book through writing stories for our authorship competition.’
- Rowena Chater, Teacher-Librarian, Macgregor Primary, ACT.

‘A fantastic show. DC Green had the children engaged from the very start. He had their imaginations working overtime coming up with new ideas for stories. The show was very enjoyable and a great way to kick start creative writing in your school.’
- Michelle Devine, Teacher Librarian , St Therese Primary, West Wollongong.

‘What a fabulous time the students had listening to DC Green. He was funny. He used language the children could easily understand and he was able to get the kids thinking about weird and crazy endings to his stories. The best thing, as a teacher, was seeing kids who usually find it difficult coming up with story ideas suddenly thinking of these bizarre and wonderful story lines.’
- Kevin Pocknall, Amaroo School, ACT.

‘Wonderful tips on writing. The students were so energized by DC Green’s performance.’
- Heather Thompson, Gilgandra Primary.

‘A great show. I was impressed by the way DC Green held the children's attention, especially some I know are usually restless. All the children I have spoken to thoroughly enjoyed DC's presentation.’
- Kath Crapp, Bodalla PS.

‘Students were enthralled by DC's antics and truly terrific stories. We thank him for bringing to life the art of creative writing and inspiring the young to have a go and let go!’
- Jane McCullock, Culburra PS.

‘The children are enjoying the story being read to them, serial style every afternoon over the school speaker system! I'm the one adjusting reading a very funny story without an audience I can see or hear. Although one day the principal and another executive member did cause a slight hilarious interlude in the reading when they entered the room with a pillow, blanket and a glass of milk to sit and listen!! Hence they are now banned due to the fact I can't read while laughing out loud!!!! The students are also having a great time designing Zapp Machines and working out what on earth DC stands for!!’
- Catherine Bishenden, St Joseph's Primary, Orange.

‘Our kids loved DC Green's visit. He is irreverent and funny and he discusses creative writing and the writing process. We enjoyed it!’
- Rachael Hind, St Bede's P.S., Red Hill, ACT.

‘I thought DC was clever in the way that he wove the craft of story-telling into his oral story-telling. I thought he engaged the children effectively by using the humour of his book and his personal experiences.’
- Mrs H., Lindsay Park Primary School.

‘The children really enjoyed DC Green's talk. I have photocopied DC's ‘Writing Tips and Ideas’ for the teachers. They have certainly given the children some great ideas and story starters.’
- Sue Dmetreson, Librarian, Gerringong Primary School.

‘An eclectic enigma. Billy Connolly meets Kelly Slater in a literary mismatch in the classroom. Bizarre, egotistical, enthralling, funny and not to be missed (unless you are on RFF like me).’
- Marcus Arnold, Dapto Public School.

‘Staff and kids loved the show. It was an entertaining morning, and a good laugh! (educational too, of course!)’
- Joyanne Tollis, Calwell PS, ACT.

‘The 3/4/5/6 students loved DC's performance. His jokes were so funny, some of the students had trouble sitting up. Another was crying with laughter. The students loved his vivid imagination, singing and rap. I am currently reading Erasmus James to the 5/6 class.’
- Katrina McArthur, Jervis Bay School.

‘DC Green's show was enjoyable and entertaining. I set the children a writing task straight after as they were so motivated.’
- Vicky Aisbett, Assistant Principal, Berkeley Public School.

‘Thanks again for your visit. The kids really enjoyed it and can't wait for the next book to be published.’
- Angela Fitzpatrick, Parkes East Primary School.

‘It was a pleasure to have DC Green visit. I see children in the playground absorbed in reading his book.’
- Petra Pollum, Unanderra Primary School.

‘We were very impressed with DC's show. The students enjoyed his antics as well as his writing tips. An entertaining visit.’
- Kate Bohlscheid, Teacher/Librarian, Queanbeyan High School.

‘I thoroughly enjoyed being part of DC's performance. Hopefully the Academy Award is in the mail!!! Including teachers and students in performances will always enhance motivation and ensure their time is memorable. DC's writing tips and ideas support what teachers are doing in the classroom and allow children to unlock the key elements in writing narrative.’
- Smithton Primary School, Tasmania.

‘The children really enjoyed DC Green's style and his zany manner. He inspired the children with different ways to express themselves in their writing and encouraged the children to read. The children really enjoyed this experience.’
- Mater Dei Catholic Primary School newsletter.

‘One of our dreamy 5th graders reflected on DC's presentation with the words, ‘Really Mrs Knowles, he was just born to entertain don't you think?’
- Karyn Knowles, Teacher Librarian, North Nowra Public School.

‘Stage 2 and 3 students were invited to attend DC Green's presentation, which was greatly enjoyed by all. The students were very interested in how DC became a writer and the process of publishing. Books were available for students to purchase after the session and a class set was purchased for Stage 3 Literacy.’
- Marg Pike, Teacher Librarian, Vincentia Primary School.

‘A very informative, entertaining show.’
– Mr Kelly, Undercliffe Public School.

‘The children at our school thoroughly enjoyed the zany, pacy presentation by DC Green. He combined an entertaining mixture of story telling with hints for aspiring writers as well as an opportunity for the children to be involved in his show.’
- Margaret Calvert, Minnamurra Primary School.

‘Thank you DC... for your enthusiasm, humour and knowledge. I will definitely recommend you to other schools! (You can quote me on that if you want to!)’
- Judithe Hall, Resource Centre Manager, Holy Spirit College (Bellambi).

‘Wow!! Energetic, spontaneous interaction with students. Powerful writing tips.’
- Danielle Griffiths, Gilgandra Primary.

‘DC Green recently performed before an audience of 80 adults and children at Ulladulla Library. This event was a great success and as he read excerpts from his book he acted, danced, answered questions and actively involved the audience who really enjoyed his informative and funny show. It's well worth asking DC Green to ‘perform’.’
- Rosemary Burke, ex-teacher, Acting Manager, Ulladulla Library.

‘I read a chapter or so each day to my class. They really enjoyed it, especially the jokes and the naughty bits!’
- Bob Swoope, teacher, Milton Public School.

‘The children enjoyed DC Green's humour and are eager to continue reading his book.’
- Meg Boxsell, Berkeley Public School.

‘The kids really enjoyed the show. They talked about it and are looking forward to reading the books.’ - Morgan Davies, Undercliffe Public School.


And these, from the same school...

‘Excellent. Students were interested in all aspects of the talk.’
- Mr Mungovern, Dapto Public School.

‘Entertaining, engrossing, educational. We look forward eagerly to DC's next visit.’
- Mr Quinn, Dapto Public School.

‘DC Green captivated the children with his entertaining and inspiring presentation, which even included raps.’
- J. Damir, Dapto Public School.

‘Very witty and entertaining. Thoroughly enjoyed by students and teachers.’
- D. Cecchels, Dapto Public School.

‘The children were totally engrossed by his humorous, entertaining personality.’
- Cathy Jones, Dapto Public School.

‘A very funny man. Thoroughly enjoyed his performance!’
- Jenny Doblander, Dapto Public School.

‘Entertaining, educational and motivating.’
- David Dark, Dapto Public School.


And this, from the festival front:

‘DC Green was a guest speaker/author at our 2005 Canberra Readers and Writers Festival in October 2005. DC was well prepared for his session and spoke thoughtfully and intelligently on the speaker's panel. He gave an entertaining reading and presentation of his children's book and was able to adapt the pitch of the presentation to suit the audience which ended up being much older than anticipated. I am pleased to recommend him for speaking events or school presentations.’
- Christine Aldred, Youth Projects Officer, ACT Writers Centre.

‘Dear DC, the staff and management commitee of the NSW Writers' Centre send you our warmest thanks for your participation in the Writing for Children and Young Adults Festival on 22 July 2006. The day was a great success and was very much enjoyed by all who attended. Throughout the day there was a wonderful sense of cameraderie and visitors came away from the festival inspired by all our panellists' ideas and experience. Once again, many thanks from me, our staff and committee.’
- Irina Dunn, President, NSW Writers' Centre.


And some more teacher quotes:

‘From all accounts the students really got a lot out of the workshop and enjoyed hearing from a real live author and journalist.’
- Louise McMullen, Amaroo School Library.

‘Exciting, informative, age appropriate. One of the best shows I've seen in a long time.’
- Mrs Greenhalgh, Gilgandra Primary School.

‘To stretch your students' minds and encourage them to read, you could not go past fantastic children's author DC Green. One hundred enthralled students now believe the first letters of DC's book, 'Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine', stand for Energetic, Jumping, Amusing, Great and Zany!’
- Mark Tweed, Year Six teacher, St Michaels Primary, Nowra.

‘Three months after DC Green charmed the children at Lake Munmorah they are still requesting THAT book by the ‘funny man’. It has not been back on the shelf since he left, a sure fire indication of how much they love it!!’
- Chris Knight, teacher librarian, Lake Munmorah Public School.

‘The children thoroughly enjoyed DC's vitality, stories and enthusiasm.’
- Pip Harris, teacher librarian, Mater Dei Catholic Primary School, Wagga Wagga.

‘The kids I have spoken to enjoyed DC’s talk. They said stuff like "He was funny" and "He can't dance very well, but it was fun." The English head teacher who was there really enjoyed the puns and felt that he had some good stuff to tell them. I’ve had a number of requests for DC’s books - my one copy is in demand!’
- Marion Hing, Warilla High School.

‘The library copy of DC's book is circulating very well. As soon as it goes back on the shelf, it has been re-borrowed soon after. This means that his promotional visits are having an impact.’
- Margaret Cooper, Shellharbour Primary School.

‘Our students really enjoyed DC's visit and were very positive in their responses. They particularly enjoyed the wacky sections of the show. Being country students they have very few opportunities to have interaction with a REAL live author. The post visit discussions were very positive.’
- Sandra Campbell, St Patrick's Catholic Primary School, Griffith.

‘Thank you for participating in this year's 'International Writer's Celebration'. Your contribution has been very significant and without it the event would not have been such a success. We hope that you will participate next year.’
- Shannon Spiers and Jessie Ebsworth, Student Coordinators, Queanbeyan High School.

‘The feedback from the children, in all grades, was very positive. They all seemed to enjoy themselves a great deal. The teachers commented that most of the children were chattering quite excitedly about DC's presentation when they were back in class. I look forward to seeing DC's future writings in my library.’
- Warren Rich, Lindsay Park Public School.

‘The children were all spellbound by the antics of DC Green. When I discussed his visit with the class after the show, the students were able to recall the important features of writing a good story, and all were eager to have a go themselves!’
- Kate, Orana Heights Primary School.

‘The children loved DC Green's antics!’
- Robyn Dunlop, Librarian, Lakes Entrance Primary School, VIC.

Read more!

The DC Green School Show: 2010 Dates

The DC Green School Show: 2010 Dates

Phew! In the last four years, I’ve performed in every Australian state and territory - over 500 school shows in all! Elsewhere on this site are a bunch of glowing reviews I've received from teachers and students. Love that word of mouth!!

Here are the areas I'll be touring schools in 2010...

2010

Term 2
* Brisbane, Gold Coast, Ipswich, QLD. Week 2. (April 19-23).
* Sydney, South Coast, NSW. Week 2. (April 26-30).
* Perth and north, WA. Week 3. (May 3-7).
* Central West, NSW and Canberra, ACT-NSW. Week 6. Education Week. (May 24-28).
* Cairns, Townsville, QLD. Week 3 (May 31 -June 4).

Term 3
* Central Coast, Newcastle, North Coast, NSW. Week 5 - Book Prologue Week. (Aug. 16-20)
* Victoria. Week 6. Book Week (Aug. 23-27).
* Sydney, South Coast, NSW. Week 7 - Book Epilogue Week. (Aug.30 - Sep. 3).
* Tasmania! Two big weeks!! Weeks 2-3. (Sep. 27 - Oct. 8).


DOUBLE PHEW!

If you're a student who would like me to visit your school, and deliver laughs by the bucket, badger your teacher, librarian, principal or mayor!

If you're a teacher who would like me to visit, please see the Teachers' Page at Barrel Books or e-mail fiona@barrelbooks.com

Read more!

STINKY SQUAD! And... THREE LITTLE SURFER PIGS!!

STINKY SQUAD! And... THREE LITTLE SURFER PIGS!!

TWO NEW DC GREEN BOOKS - OUT NOW!!

Click 'Read More' to check out the covers and latest reviews!

Book One!

STINKY SQUAD is about a country called Oztrailer where everyone turns into brain-eating zombies. The nation's only hope is a bunch of loser teens with gross super-powers... Stinky Squad!

Stinky Squad is gross, funny, scary and ultra-fast paced: perfect for readers with strong stomachs aged between 10 and 110.

‘Fantastic… a very exiting read for kids and a very, very funny book.’ – HG Nelson.

‘Stinky Squad is the best Australian children’s book. Ever.’
– Stab magazine.

‘One hell of a ride... A fart-fest with a surprisingly warm heart. Stench is an INSPIRED character.’
- Sally Odgers, children’s author.

‘Never have bodily fluids been described with such gusto. Harry Potter meets Shaun of the Dead.’
- Waves magazine.

'Stinky Squad will have people involuntarily twitching and retching, clenching buttock muscles and wincing. Brilliant!'
- Jensen Ruehle, Bookmark Australia.

‘DC Green has keyed into what children love to read. This is a best seller... truly truly truly truly great!’
- Carol Roach, Storytime Tapestry.

‘DC Green will be the Hans Christian Anderson of a whole new generation.’
- Jodi Flessberg Lily, Creative Writers Network moderator.

‘This is the novel equivalent of a manga comic, a classic super hero tale on a global scale – albeit with a freaky twist. It’s fast and furious and VERY funny.’
- Sandy Fussell, children’s author.

‘My son swallowed Stinky Squad down, belched and asked for more! He could be heard chuckling and occasionally laughing which is no small feat as he has his teeth fitted with the most excruciating braces. The only time he has not moaned at me about the "pain" has been when he was reading DC’s book or sipping one of my special protein shakes. He didn't put it down once until it was all gone and I don't mean the shakes. ‘
- Maria Stepek Doherty, Storytime Tapestry Senior Writer.

‘A slimy, festering send-up of the modern world. Great fun, and perfect for kids.’
- Tracks magazine.

Check out the official Stinky blog for the latest updates at: http://dcgreen.wordpress.com/



Book Two!

THREE LITTLE SURFER PIGS.

I performed an early version of this story at many of the 100+ schools I visited in 2006. The reaction to the three naughty pigs was so fantastic, it was obvious they were destined to score their own book.

And now they have: a brilliant picture book chocked with laughs, surfing action, surprises and amazing artwork by the mega-talented Simon McLean.

Three Little Surfer Pigs is the perfect book for all the family, covering ages 4 to 154, and above average pets.

10 % OF ALL SALES GO TO CANTEEN - the Australian organisation supporting young people living with cancer!

‘A hilarious retelling of the classic fairytale.’
- AEU News.

‘Evilly entertaining.... The rhyme is great fun!’
– Sally Odgers, Jack Russell, Dog Detective.

‘A funny and enjoyable read.’
- Kid Zone.

‘I loved the hidden jokes and all the surfy lingo!’
- Jackie Hosking, PIO reviewer.

‘Funny, full of surf action, and with a great female surfing character, this is the sort of book I would have loved to have read when I was a grommet!’
- Pam Burridge, Australia’s first women’s world surfing champion.


Both books are published by my fantastic new publisher, Barrel Books:
http://www.barrelbooks.com/

Barrel Books Shop:
http://barrelbooks.com/catalog/

Read more!

Teacher notes & children's activities

Teacher notes & children's activities

Three Little Surfer Pigs: Teacher Resources
Dozens of Multiple Intelligences & Bloom’s Taxonomy activities prepared by experienced teachers.

Stinky Squad: Student Activities
Over 30 stimulating and fun children's activities and exercises by teacher/writer Matt Porter.

Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine
Brand new activities to make students brains grow bigger while bringing a smile to their faces!

Erasmus James, King of Kid's Paradise
More fantastic student exercises from Matt Porter.

Read more!

The DC Green School Show: Student Reviews

The DC Green School Show: Student Reviews

‘DC Green is my favourite author now, on the same level as JK Rowling. His books are funny and interesting. I didn't think about writing before, but I will now.’
- Mitchell, Year 5, Orana Heights Primary.

‘I thought that Mr. Green's talk was inspiring. I found his tips helpful and encouraging. I also am now very interested in reading his books, especially "Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine".’
- Sasha, Year 8, Canberra Girls Grammar.

‘Hi DC, I just want to say how I love your books and maybe could pass as your number one fan. So far I’m up to chapter 12 in Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine. It’s soooo adventurous and exciting.
Thanks DC Green AKA Funny Guy.’
- Will #1, Year 6, St Raphael’s, Cowra.

‘After DC Green introduced himself, nearly everyone was laughing. He told us some stories about himself and how he had gotten the ideas for his books. It was good that he gave us some tips to be a successful writer.’
- Angela, Challa Gardens PS, SA.

‘On Thursday 5th of October children's author DC Green came to our school. He read some of his book called Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine. Everyone enjoyed the show. He shared his rap and songs with us. DC Green gave us some tips on how to write a good story. He kept us laughing the whole way through his show. The audience made a story with him. It was called Emily the Duck.’
- Show review by Nathan, Joshua, Bradley, Brodie & Kade.
H-2, Claremont PS, TAS.

‘DC Green's author visit was fantastic because he told amusing jokes, stories and poems to the Yr 3-6 classes. Don't worry if you missed out on a book, you may borrow a copy from the Library soon!!!!!’
- Children's review in the Vincentia Public School News.

‘I learned a lot about writing from this experience. It was great to talk with a real author and get pointers to improve our writing.’ - Lauren, Year Eight, Holy Spirit College, Bellambi.

‘Andy Griffiths was my favourite writer. But after seeing DC Green's show, Andy's gone back to number two.’
- Year Five student, Sussex Inlet Public School.


Comments from students at St John Bosco School, SA:
Here’s what we thought!
“Gross but awesome” – TINA
“The greatest books I’ve ever heard of” – FRANCESCO
“They’re really wacky and fun” – MARIO
“Sounds really fun but it’s also cool” – EBONY
“The funniest books alive” - THEO

Comment from the Tweed Heads PS newsletter:
‘DC Green had the best writing tips for young authors. It is the best show around.’
- Chris, 4/3M

Comments posted on the blog for Bannockburn Primary School, Vic. (years 5 & 6):
Wow, what a fantastic visit we had from DC Green! He was very entertaining with his surfing tales and rapping skills. I especially liked the Australian Idol story. What did you think of the visit?

1. # 1 sva0001banno Says:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
We had D.C Green come to our school to tell us about how to be a good writer and how he thought of a title for one of his books. D.C Green likes surfing and has left us a prize for the best story in our grade about a time machine that takes you to a different world.

2. # 2 Ezza! Says:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
I liked how DC kept putting in funny jokes and sharing his song that he sang in the Australian Idol car park!LOL!

3. # 3 Kristina Says:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
I really enjoyed DC Greens visit. He was really funny. His rap was really funny. I liked it. It was awesome.

4. # 4 hat0003banno Says:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
DC Green was a very funny guy with a funny voice.

5. # 5 mit0004banno Says:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
WOW!!!!!He was so cool. He was a great speaker and fun to listen to. He has a great 10 year old boy voice. He was so cool.

6. # 6 men0001banno Says:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
Dc greens visit was great. He was really funny and a great rapper.
I enjoyed listening to his writing tips.

7. # 7 han0004banno Says:
July 29th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
DC Green came to our school 22-7. DC Green was really funny with jokes, he gave us good writing tips and read a bit of his books. At the end of the visit we were allowed to by his books. Erasmus James and the Galactic Zap Machine is a really funny and good book.

8. # 8 you0002banno Says:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
I love the wrap! I learnt a lot and want to be an author too!

9. # 9 mck0009bann Says:
July 29th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
DC Green is an inspiring person. I am going to make my stories more interesting.

10. # 10 sch0003banno Says:
July 29th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
DC Green gave me a great idea for my next story.

11. # 11 DC Green Says:
August 2nd, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Hey guys
Thanks for the great comments and the fantastic feedback to my yet-to-be-published book, City of Monsters! I had a blast at Bannockburn PS and hope to return one day!
Happy writing
DC

12. # 12 toz0001banno Says:
August 5th, 2009 at 12:52 am
DC Green was really funny and his jokes were really funny.

13. # 13 wil0001banno Says:
August 5th, 2009 at 1:12 am
DC green visited and he was funny and cool. I hope that he visits again!

14. # 14 wen0001banno Says:
August 6th, 2009 at 12:54 am
D.C I wish I could as good writer as you!!!!!!

15. # 15 fie0001bann Says:
August 6th, 2009 at 12:54 am
DC green is so funny and he had crazy jokes

16. # 16 Ezza! Says:
August 20th, 2009 at 5:22 am
Yo everyone,
It’s me… yes Ezza! DC has a little to work on like his singing. It was very, very, very funny but he needs to train so his voice doesn’t break like someone’s arm! Just joking! He is very funny. Keep up the good work DC!

17. # 17 rob0005 Says:
August 29th, 2009 at 12:47 am
DC green was so much fun instead of being bored and thinking about how sore our bums were he was making as laugh and having fun. P.S great wrap DC!:)

18. # 18 cop0001banno Says:
September 8th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
DC green is a very funny person I hope he comes back


Here are some ’09 comments posted elsewhere on this site:

Hello DC Green,
We read "Three Little Surfer Pigs" and thought it was very funny. We like your type of humour and look forward to seeing you on Thursday.
Junior Gold, Coolangatta State School.

hi DC,
you came to my school that is parkwood ps on 19.08.09 I was the one that asked you what was your latest book I was in year 4 you were so funny. -athira-
hey dc wat is ur real name i need 2 no so i can wina contest plz plz
from james

hi dc green my name is kathleen from cloverdale p.s and i thought your show was fantastic. I think that your books are fun and fantastic and I would like to say thanks for coming. I enjoyed having you here, you were hilarious. I would love to have all of them except Stinky Squad, I think that's for boys. By the way I am in Year 5. Thanks for coming D C Green

dc green your show was amazingly awesome. there were some funny part and some wart bubbling parts.
I am going to borrow your book stinky squad of my friend and i hope i can get 1 of you own book signed for my self it look super gross and funny. i loved your show please come again:)
from jack

hi dc green i really enjoyed your show i hope that the older kids liked your show .it was really wart bubbling . you really have a good imagination and highly hilarious jokes hope you keep writing.

Hi, I'm William and I’m the one that beat bow for you. I ride scooter. Any way where do you live? I like your books, they are gross and awesome.

Hi my name is Chandice,thank you for coming to Cloverdale P.S because you inspired me that anyone can write anytime they want. Your performance was wart bubbling and mental and I learnt that I could make up a story anytime and anywhere
Thank you for coming we all had fun and enjoyed

hey DC green you may not remember me but my names Azurah from Cloverdale p.s . look i would just like to say thanks for coming in and talking to us . You are an awesome an outstanding mouthwatering author you were truly hilariously horrifying. You inspire me even though i want to be a singer i think you put so much creativity into your work that im absolutely MENTAL you’ve taught me so much like not to make the person die on the first page .i am so grateful
thankyou so much bye

Hi DC Green,
my name is Kriya.Thanks for coming to Cloverdale Primary School.Your show was so inspiring to me and most likely other kids as well.i learnt that you can take ideas from what you know and combine them.On the first page of your story you need to pull in the readers so that they will want to read more and more until your head explodes!By the way YOU'RE THE COOLEST AUTHOR I'VE EVER MET!!I hope your dream of being called up by a movie director comes true! THANKS AGAIN!

Hi DC Green
My name is Beltesha.As a student my interest of writing cool and adventurous, dangerous stories has become more exciting when you came and told your hilarious and funny stories. I had a great time listening to your stories. Your stories are full of imagination. You are a very funny author. think you are a very great author I learnt a lot of things at the show that i did not know about. I wish you would come back to this school with a lot of more written books. Iam really excited. Hope you become a famous author. you have a cool rap.
I ricate you coming to my school. From Belts.
P.S
I hope you come back see you sometimes.

Dear D.C green im kyle from cloverdale primary school i loved your wart bubbling awesome imaginative adventurous and hiliariously,funny,show P.S i like your books i would like to se some more books

to dc thanks for coming to clover dale p.s. we all enjoy your rap dance and your stories . it was very cool. can you come back to cloverdale? some people said it was boring but i didn’t. I thought it was fantastic and funny
by Joshua Thompson

heyy DC I’m writing to thank you for your fun, fantastic, exciting, wart bubbling, awesome, imaginative, adventurous, funny, cool, mental, crazy, psycho, and hilariously horrifying show. I thought it was a snot bag full of adventure. It was a great experience to listen to a real author at my school, and I will be sure to use your great writing tips. Thank you so much
Kapua
cloverdale primary school.

Subject: Cloverdale primary school Wart bubbling awesome performance.
Yo DC thanks for the wart bubbling gross awesome performance. I hope you can come back next year ROCK ON.
THANKS DC GREEN.

Hi DC Green, performance was Awesome it was hilariously wart bubbling and imaginative. I like the way you get ingredients from people and make a wicked story.

I learnt that to make a good story you need some sort of conflict, an interesting start, exciting words and stuff you already know.
from Jesse
cloverdale P.S.

Hi DC, my name is Isaac and I liked, I mean LOVED your talk which you did on the 17th of August at Cloverdale Primary School. I liked the first page of the Stinky Squad. I also liked that you talk about nude bungy jumping and dobby and the machine gun I learnt from you that you need an exciting start, conflict, powerful words, have fun and don't kill your characters at the beginning.

Hi DC! my name is Jeremy, my nickname is Jem and I loved loved your show (Monday 17).You taught me NOT to bungy jump in the nude! Liked your rap too.
From Jeremy
Cloverdale P.S
ps don't kick serbrus (or Buffhead.)

To DC Green,
I liked your books, your fiction/ non fiction stories. Your songs were great and I like the killing off people.
I thankyou for the things that we leant to make great stories. I hope that you can come again to teach us more. I like your show and can’t wait to read your books


Year 7 Wellington High School Comments:

“I had a great time up in the library with DC Green and I hope he gets to visit next year. He is a great story writer and I can’t wait to read his books.” – Ashley T

“DC’s visit to Wello was very interesting ‘cause one minute he was reading from a book and I reckon it’s going to be a good book. I loved it!” – Kaydee L

“Thank you for visiting our school DC Green. We enjoyed your presentation and we hope to see you again.” – Dylan B

“I loved some of his jokes, funny man, hope he visits again.” – Robert M

“I loved the visit, it was so funny and he had a good sense of humour. He gave us a lot of ideas about writing a good funny story. Good job DC Green.” – Summah R

“Pretty mad, he has a great imagination and is very easy to get along with. He also is a great writer, I love reading his books.” – Brooke F

“DC Green you are a bit funny. I don’t really like reading books but I will probably read one of yours because they look really funny and fun.” – Katora T

“DC Green is pretty cool and he is an alright book writer and might be able to write some good books.” – Andrew C

“It was so funny I couldn’t stop laughing. I didn’t forget to wash my hat. You are very smart, I couldn’t make a rap like you. Thank you for the laughter DC Green.” – Nathan S

“I liked your book that you read to us, it was funny and you made it sound like it was real! I also liked your rap, it was cool!” – Naomi T

“I thought that DC Green was very interesting and entertaining. I had lots of fun and laughed a lot.” – Georgia C

“The visit was a great experience and I’m glad you could come.” – Samantha H

“Hey! That was a good show and I liked your book Stinky Squad. I might even buy one.” – Trent M

“I like your picture book and your rap.” – Lincoln M

“You were great, really funny and I hope you will come to visit again.” - Abby G

“Dear Mr DC Green, I liked your rap and your books, your show was great…” - Sarah B

“You were awesome DC Green… I liked your rap as well. Your show was great.” – Karly M

“I liked DC Green because he was very funny and I enjoyed his rap.” - Maddison S

“I really enjoyed DC Green’s performance. It was quite funny and humorous.” – Katie C

“Hey! You’re very outgoing and have no shame. I think that’s great! Hope to meet you again.” – Harrison G

“Having DC Green come and talk to us was really great. He showed us that writing can be fun. I can’t wait to read some of his books.” – George M


Year 8 Wellington High School Comments:

“The visit from DC Green was really good. He was funny, he also kept most of us interested in what he was saying to us all the time. He was very entertaining and read a little bit of his new book to us, it was also quite interesting.” – Chrystale J

“The visit from DC Green was very entertaining and had lots of laughter.” – Michalia G

“DC Green made his time he spent with us enjoyable and fun. I learnt a lot and hope he comes back.” – Kirsten Va

Comment by Mark Dwyer – Macquarie Regional Library Manager (Wellington Branch)
“I thought his performance was amusing and he got the attention of the audience. The books have a ‘gross’ element that appeals to teens. Audience participation is an important part when dealing with this age group and he succeeded quite well.”


Reviews from St Matthews Central School, Mudgee:

Thanks for coming to St Matthews. I know that I had fun and I think that everyone's heads exploded from laughing so much. I've got a friend who said “I think this book is kool." I have just started to read it and it is great for me because it is so funny .
- Peter Y7

Dear DC,
We'd like to thank you for coming to our school. We enjoyed listening to your advice about writing and your great sense of humour. The books you wrote sound very interesting and we will use all of your techniques and will never liquid paper our computer screens.
We'd also like to thank you for the small group work we had. I personally thought it was great. You gave me ideas and advice about how to come up with funny stories.
I can tell you now, I did. We hope you write more funny and fantastic stories so we can further explore the humorous worlds of your characters. Thanks again for everything, the advice, the tips & the jokes.
- Monique Y7

Dear DC,
Thank you so much for visiting St Matthews Central School in Mudgee. Many children were mind-boggled by your creative children's novels, ‘Erasmus...' and ' your new one 'Stinky Squad'. My brother Sam and I have ordered 1 of each so I hope to read them soon for my MS Read-a-thon. I'd also like to thank you for listening to my story as I was one of the selected few who stayed behind. I really enjoyed learning about you and I will make sure I use some of your techniques you taught me when next I pick up a pen. I hope to read some of your books in the future. Anyway, I had better go and tune into my English class.
- Skye Y7.

Hi DC!
I’m the girl in the second row asking all the questions and my name is Jess. I’d first of all like to say I really liked you coming to our school.
I must admit that when Mrs Dean said that an author was coming to our school I was a little disinterested. Mostly because lots of authors are sooooo boring! I really only like authors that don't go on forever about things like Roald Dahl and Morris Gleitzman ( My Favourites, ) but when I first saw you I knew you weren't going to be boring.
Anyway, enough about me, lets get on about your talk.
Your talk was really interesting! I’m not planning to be a full time author but I’m thinking about writing a book or two so it was really helpful. The only thing is you'd need to make some adjustments to your song and then you might be able to try out for Idol again without Marsha hitting you over the head with a broom!
One thing I really want to commend you on is your question and answer sections. The good thing about them was you answered questions truthfully and ‘sensibly’.
I just have one more thing to say. Good luck in writing more books!!!
P.S. I will definitely be entering that competition on your web site.


Canberra Girls Grammar School Year 7 Comments

- I found the talk very interesting and I got some useful writing tips that could help me write a story. DC also left time for questions, so we could ask about him, and where he gets inspiration. Overall, it was great!
Elena

- I thought it was really funny and entertaining. I thought the writing tips were really good and I think they might help me. I think DC really connected to us as kids and I look forward to reading his books.
Sarah

- I think that the talk thing that we did with that author was really good, because it got me going and writing my own little book. I think that his books are the type my brother and his friends would read, and then I would read them
Jessica

- I thought that he was a HEAP of fun. And I do find those writing tips useful.
Tanya

- An excellent session! DC Green is a very entertaining author. My friends and I learned something new today; we are hoping to see more authors in future like him.
Claudia

- I found DC Green really funny, and yes he did give some great writing tips.
Sarah

- It was good especially for those of us that like writing.
Madeleine

- I found the writing tips very useful… I really enjoyed it.
Gemma

- I thought that DC Green was absolutely funny!!!
Kim


Reviews from Stanwell Park Public School:

‘Hi DC, it's good that you have the same humour as me. You rule!’ - Liam.

‘That was like totally awesome man. From that inspiration I wrote a five page story.’ - Angus.

‘Hi DC, you have inspired me a lot and now I think I write much more cooler stories. Surf on.’ - Bensan.

‘The book is just the best. After the first words I got so involved, I just had to stop what I was doing!! YOU RULE!!’ - Katherina.

‘You are the world's best rapper DC and your books rule. You have inspired our whole school, especially year six. I hope to get your book. Keep on surfing DC.’ - Baden.

‘Hi DC Green. You're really funny.’ - Courtenay.

‘You are super COOL.’ - Harry.

‘Dear Dc Green, thank you for coming to our school. We all enjoyed it. - Selina.

‘Hi DC. Thanks for coming. It was great.’ - Hannah.

‘Dear DC Green, thank you for coming to our school because you have given us lots of inspiration.’ - Emily.

‘Hi DC Green, nice haircut!’

‘DC, you are so funny! I love your books and your funniness. You're awesome.’ - Hamish.

‘DC Green, you were very entertaining, you inspired us all to make our own books. Thank you we all enjoyed having you!!’ - Cordy.

‘Hey Dc dude, your show was great keep writing and be cool!’ - Thilo.

‘Dear DC, I love your book, it's funny and exiting. When you came you cracked everyone up. You have a good rap.’ - Ryan.

‘Hey DC, love your book and your jokes. Love to see you soon.’ - Joe.

‘DC. I love your book and when you came we all cracked up. I hope your next book is just as good as this one. Come back soon.’ - Sophie.

‘Hey DC, I really like your jokes. You are also really funny. I like how you wrote your book, it's really funny. I think it's the best book ever.’ - Kalani.

‘Hey DC Green I love your book.’ - Olivia.

‘Hi DC Green, I loved it when you came to our school. I love to read now. I hope you come to our school soon with you next book.’ - Melanie.


Canberra Girls Grammar School Year 8 Comments

- He was very entertaining. The writing tips are really good!
Ashley

- Talk was excellent today! Very entertaining... he did a great job! Very helpful tips!
Helena

- I really enjoyed the talk we had from DC Green as he gave lots of helpful writing tips we can use. It was also good as he has had experience of being a writer and could tell us what it is like to be an author and what it takes to become one. He was also funny and by creating the story with our year group, it showed us how little ideas however strange or abnormal they are can turn into the basis of a story. I thoroughly enjoyed his talk and was wondering how much one of DC Green's signed books would cost.
Melissa

- I found the speaker's speech quite fascinating and I learnt something from it. I liked it.
Joyce

- I thought that the author speech today was quite beneficial. I thought his manner was good and he brought forward quite a few decent points and helpful writing tips.
Catriona

- I found the guest speaker very funny and also inspirational as I would like to write a book some time and his tips on never giving up and writing a bit each day were helpful. It's always fun to listen to authors talk about their experiences so if anybody else offers, please say yes!
Tara


Posted to this site:

‘DC Green, you came to my school (Berkeley). Your performance was so funny, I had to borrow your book. I read the whole story over two school nights, for me that's like a world record! 240 pages! Mum almost dropped dead with shock. Then she read your book and laughed more than me!’
- Con.

‘Hi DC green. You went to the school called St. Thomas the Apostle on the 4th of July 2006. Your show was so fuunnnyy. The best part about it was your story. I would like to be a famous writer when I grow up... Andy Griffiths was my favourite writer before I saw you.’
- Nicho.

‘You came to my school and were the funniest ever. I bought your book and loved it. We are still doing your crazy dance. Hurry up and write the next book.’
- Adam.

‘I bought this book for my son's friend's birthday. He said it was the funniest book he had ever read and now my book-hating son is reading and laughing it also. A miracle!’
- John Giles, Newcastle.

‘My name is Danial you went to my school today called St Thomas the Apostle and year 3 and 4 went with you first then year 5 and 6. I really want one of your books. I have made a book on the computer.’

‘When does the next book in the Erasmus series come out? I can't wait! Your stories are very addictive!’
- John.

‘Hi DC, my name is Isabel. I go to St. Thomas the Apostle. You are really funny and I enjoyed your book. Where would you find that book! My favourite writer was Andy Griffiths until I met you. I hope you keep writing. ttfn.’
- Isabel.

‘Hi DC green :) u came to my school, St Therese west Wollongong. I really liked your song that u sang to us. You encouraged me to start writing stories. Thank you!’
- Annabell.

‘Hi dc thanks for coming to Latrobe high u were very funny and I think I might get your book!’

‘Hi DC, You came to our school on the 5th of September. You were great!’
- Sonia

‘Hey DC you came to my school today and I really enjoyed and thought you were great. I hope you come again DC. Good on your next book! BYE AND WISHING YOU THE BEST LUCK.’
- Kurt

‘Hey DC
Just two weeks ago you visited Orana Heights the second time.
When you came the first time I bought Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine, well I've finished reading that now and have started reading Stinky Squad which I bought the second time you came to our school and I think Stinky Squad is the most disgusting, vile, foul and funniest book that I've ever read.
If you come back to Orana Heights next year I won't be able to buy your book because I'll be in high school which is very disappointing.
Yours sincerely.’
- Nathaniel

‘Hey DC, Remember last time that you went to dubbo west public school? I was there. You made me laugh.’

‘Helloooo DC GRREEEN,
I thought that you were really cool and funny.
PS: I hope you become famous.’
- anonymous

‘When DC went to SJP (St Johns Primary) I absolutely loved him. He was so funny. A big thank you to our librarian and of course DC for coming.’
- Sam.

’HI, DC I LOVED YOUR SHOW AT HELENSBURGH PUBLIC SCHOOL.IT WAS AWESOME. I AM GOING TO ASK SANTA FOR ERASMUS JAMES AND THE GALATIC ZAPP MACHINE.’
- LACHLAN (STUDENT OF HELENSBURGH PUBLIC)

‘Hi DC. Thanks for coming to my school (Figtree Heights Public School). Good luck with writing your new book Stinky Squad. Thanks Ty. P.S. I’m the kid who liked talking toilets.’

‘Raz is so funny!
I love the roccors, the krazy king, the bloodhorses and everything!!
***** (That means five stars)’
- Raz Fan Number 1, Adelaide.

‘Hey I thought that you are really funny and that your book is really good.
Anyways... you inspired me to do something I have been thinking about doing, but never actually bothered to do... writing my own book. I called it "Mystic Chance"... it wont ever be on book shelves, but it will always be on my computer... and I will always remember that I wrote it.’

‘Hi Dc Green My name is Tara I love your books all of them I wonder how u do it can u come over I want your autograph.’
- Tara

‘Dear DC Green,
You came to my school and you made the whole school laugh sooooooooooooooooooooooooo many times. I am reading Erasmus James and it ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for coming to my school.’
- Daniel (Your No. 1 Fan!!!!)

‘Your book is so funny. I love reading Erasmus James and the Galactic zapp Machine. I hope you can come back to Shellharbour public school again I have now got 2 copies of your books that you have signed. They’re great!!!!!!’
- Matt.

‘Hi DC Green you came to our school yesterday, Canberra Girls Grammar school. I am looking forward to reading your books I love writing stories too (fiction).’
- Reeva.


Year 3 comments about DC Green’s visit to St Patrick’s school (Port Kembla) on Thursday 24 August, 2006:

* I think you did very well. I remember when you did that really cool dance. My favourite thing was that knee thing. A really good idea for your next book be a penguarna which is a cross between a penguin and an iguana. They all have a spud gun. Their enemy is a bush snail. From Mitchell.

* I think you have a good sense of humour and you are funny. I like how you can transform boring stories into amusing things. Kids love that. I like how you let us make up the ending. Your cats have good names. You can rap and dance good. You have made the halfway mark for JK Rowling. If you go on Australian Idol take a broom for a weapon for when Kyle stirs you up. Keep up the good work (written around a drawing of a hand with a thumb up). From Byron.

* DC green came to our school. The 1st thing he was he danced and sang for us. He danced funny. He told us about the first book he wrote. He did silly things and said silly things. He told us a story about the toaster. He said a funny poem. At the end he danced and sang. It was so funny. By Melanie.

* I thought DC Green was funny and he is a great dancer and rapper. He has good words to explain things. He’s the man for the right job. I liked the story when he told us about how he made a sandwich. By Daniel.

* I thought that DC Green had lots of hair. I know how DC got his beanie his cat spat furballs at DC Green's head and when he took the beanie off this is what he said ‘Ow a beanie.’ By Jackson.

* He sang a song that was so funny. He has a lot of cats at his house he told stories to us he has to written one but he is working on a different book he likes to embrace himself to other people. I think he did a very good job. By Kodi.

* DC Green came to our school and he started with a dance. It was very funny. He told some stories and it was what he said about the putting the toast in the toaster that I liked the best. By Monique.

* Today DC Green came to my school. First he did a dance and singing. Then he did a boring story and then an exciting story about the three little pigs. Then he did a rap and told us about how he nearly drowned in the water. Then he gave autographs, I like D.C Green. By Andrew.

* On Thursday the 24th DC Green came to our school. He is so funny. First he did a dance. He was funny I laughed my head off. Then he talked about three surfing pigs I liked it so much. You are the best. From Andrea.

* He was so funny I liked his rap and his story. He made me laugh the whole time His actions were very good. He was a very good singer. He should go to Australian Idol.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Hair
Hair who?
Get a hair cut. From Kari.

* He was funny and he did a rap. He did it well, he was good and I liked his stories. He did a boring story. I liked him cooking a book. From Brandon.

* I thought DC Green was funny and the first thing that he done was a song and he danced with the song too. At the end he did a rap. By Natasha.

* I thought DC Green’s stories were funny and gross. The words explain things that he writes. First he did a silly song and dance last he did a rap dance. By Zoey.


Ashfield Boys High comments:

Dear DC Green,
It was great you come and entertain us and tell us about your books. It was funny to hear you sing your song at the beginning and your rap at the end. Thank you for reading part of your book to us and telling us about the common factors of your writing.
Yours truly, George V and Mike I

DC Green presented a talk on writing tips and advices and told us some jokes. The advice he gave were helpful and his jokes were not bad because they were silly but funny.
He expressed himself really well and did crazy things just to make us laugh and I liked all of it. In my point of view, for a not-so-famous author, he sure is one of my favourite people.
Andrew W

I'd read "Stinky Squad" because he made it sound so interesting and gross. Which is what I like in books. The thing I liked most was when he told us that story as a journalist for surf magazines.
WOW! A near death experience. That would be pretty cool.
Thanh D

It was amusing on how he had changed his voice to act the scene, it was very interesting on how he uses his imagination on writing books. If he comes back, which I want him to,
I would like his laughter and amusement to be there.
Johnson C.


Year 4 comments about DC Green’s visit to St Patrick’s School (Port Kembla) on Thursday 24 August:

* I liked your presentation. It was so funny and it was brilliant and sooo good. From Orlando.

* You are very humorous and you are very good at rap. You are also very good at singing. Thank you for dancing, you were great at it. From Ellen.

* Thank you for coming to our school. I liked your dancing and your jokes. When I get a chance I will buy your book. Thank you for making my day fantastic and fun. From Courtney.

* Last week I really liked how you did your rap and how you expressed what you needed to say and you weren’t shy at all. You were sooooooo funny, it really made me cry. By the way you are soo lucky to have written that book because it sounds EXCELLENT! Thanks so much for coming to our school. From Drew.

* I loved when you sang and rapped. I couldn’t stop laughing. I laughed my head off. Thanks for coming to our school. From Milka.

* To DC Green. That rap was crap but you were really funny. From Keiran (he asked if it was OK to write that. I said yes as he never really cares about anything associated with school. He was genuinely interested this time. Kathy Hall, teacher).

* Hey! DC, I loved your visit. My cheeks hurt because I laughed so much. I haven’t started reading The Galactic Zapp Machine, but I’m really excited. I hope you are able to read my book! By Tristan (Tristan is in Y4 and is reading ‘Tomorrow when the War Began’ and wants to finish it before starting your book.).

* Hey DC Green you are really cool and I like your rap and you tell very good stories and your book is very mad. From James.

* I loved your rap and dancing. You’re so funny. How do you come up with so many funny things to say? I can’t believe you weren’t embarrassed to sing and dance in front of all the school. You’re a brave man. The story about Shannon Knoll was so funny. I’ve started reading your book. By Lisa.

* When DC Green came to our school I was having fun and enjoying myself. You are my favourite person who came to our school. You are a very funny writer. From Lindsay.


Year 5 comments, St Patrick’s School, Port Kembla:

* Hi we really liked your singing, dancing rap.

* Try Australian Idol even if Marcia chases you don’t worry about her.

* Think of more jokes next time you come.

* We’re still reading your book but we think it’s mad.

* Go to Shannaye’s and Melanie’s hip hop because you need the training.

* Your website was really cool and was heaps funny. I loved the cats.

* We really liked your writing tips.

* We really liked your visit and come back soon.

- Love from your 4 favourite fans Shayz, Nick, Alex and Mel.


Reviews from Lindsay Park Primary School:

‘I've already read your book. I had a lot of laughs and I nearly got a paper cut from turning the pages, also I nearly burst a lung from laughing. I think you were extremely funny and entertaining.’ - Hau.

‘Hey DC Green, you made us all crack up. You were great. Come back soon.’ - Kayla.

‘I thought your appearance was good and funny. Especially the pictures you drew on the whiteboard.’ - Mitchell.

‘ Hey, DC you were really funny, especially your songs and jokes. Please write more books. There were no bad points about you. You were great! Keep it up!’ - Felicina.

‘Your books sounded really cool. You had cool stories to tell.’

‘Dear DC, I reckon you were awesome and really funny, especially the spuds thing. Also, there was the toast thing. That was funny too. Everything you said about story writing helped me begin writing weird and wacky short stories and hopefully I will start a novel soon. Thanks for coming DC and keep up the good work.’

‘Hey DC, I think it was a very well planed and amusing performance. I especially liked the jokes. I think it was a great way to spend your time and continue doing it. PS cool beanie’

‘DC Green, it was really really really really x 1,000,000,000 funny.’

‘Very funny. The toaster joke was very funny.’

‘I enjoyed the visit because your stories and style of writing was interesting.’

‘I used to think authors were boring. You proved me wrong. Your jokes were great/awesome.’

‘To DC, I reckon that you visit was the best ever as it wasn't boring and serious. I especially liked your story about drowning and your hand actions. You even laughed at that experience, which not many people could do.’ - Adriana.

‘Hey DC Green, your so funny. You made us all laugh with your rap. Please do come back.’ - Bria.


Student reviews from St Joseph's Catholic Primary School, Wagga Wagga:

‘Dear DC, I think that your visit was great, but you may need some singing lessons!!! I loved your jokes about all that funny and crazy stuff. Thanks for being GREAT!!!!!’ - Rebekah.

‘I think DC is a great kid’s author. He is very funny and tells great stories. I loved the ones about his cats.’ - Sam.

‘My favourite part about DC's visit was how we made up a story about a duck who flew to Antarctica and got lost.’ - Hayden.

‘I really liked the visit from DC Green. He was really funny and had some great jokes. His life before he was a children's author was also interesting. I really liked the story we made up about the duck.’ - Matthew.


Student response from Smithton Primary School, Tasmania:

‘He's really funny.’

‘He is a funny man.’

‘Everyone said he was funny but I thought he was funny too and I think his book would be good!!’

‘He made some good stories.’

‘He was great, funny, exciting and cool.’

‘He's totally groovy and funny!!!!’


Show reviews by students at Orana Heights Primary:

‘I think he was really funny, and I want to read more and more of his books now.’
- Hannah, Year 5.

‘I think DC Green is funny and a great author. He has a great sense of humour and imagination. I loved his goatee and his haircut. I loved his book, rap and his poem. I hope u come back!!!!!!!!!!!!’

‘Dear DC Green, Julia and I (Jade) thought you were funny, cool and bald as in you have no hair, but that's what makes you funny. So keep on writing and we will keep on reading.’


Here's four from Year Seven at Shoalhaven High, provided by Ann Johnston, the teacher librarian:

‘DC's visit was very enjoyable because of his interesting stories of how he became a writer, what his life was like was before he started writing books, and how he comes up with his ideas for his book. I liked the way he read to us some of his short and funny stories - really entertaining. Interesting to hear how he is selling his books as well as through shops. I liked his easygoing humorous personality.’

‘I liked the way DC shared his thoughts with us about his writing, his life including mishaps such as the surfboard incident when he nearly drowned because it kept hitting him on his head - we all laughed. It's interesting to actually listen to and talk to a real live author.’

‘Perhaps DC is becoming more popular as an author because he seems to actually have a personality not just a person who sits and writes a lot.’

‘I went to hear this author and thought he might be a bit dull, but in fact he had an entertaining personality - I'll even read his book, so that's a surprise for me.’


Berkeley Primary School reviews:

‘We liked... that he was funny and talented; that he read part of his book and funny poems; hearing about Kelly Slater and his surfing stories because they were interesting; his singing and dancing; that he answered our questions; his crazy expressions and accents; his rap song; his good imagination; his artistic way of acting; his writing ideas, his retelling of real life experiences; his different voices; that he was crazy and cool; that we learnt a valuable lesson that no matter how long it takes to write a story, the end result is very worthwhile. Thanxalot.’
- Karen Ruzzene and 4VR.

Students from 5A:

‘Hi. I want to thank you for coming to our school. You were really funny and hairlous. I also liked your poems. Bye.’ - Sara.

‘DC was heaps mad. I reckon the funniest bit was when he tried to rap.’ - Mitch.

‘DC Green, I really liked your speech. I can't wait to read your book. I reckon you would make a great father. Thank you for coming to our school. You are really funny.’ - Rebekah.

‘DC Green, I really liked your performance, the introduction and the part where you and Josh read.’ - Natasha.

‘DC Green, I liked your poems that you read out. You put a lot of rhyming words which sounded really good.’ - Stephanie.

‘DC Green is a very funny man.’ - Tony.


‘I think everyone enjoyed the day and liked listening to other people's ideas and stories.’ - Sarah, Year Eight, Holy Spirit College.

‘The visit taught us all something new and I'm sure we will all apply these new skills we have been taught somewhere in the near future.’ - Zac, Year Eight, Holy Spirit College.


Reviews from Albury West Public School, Years Two and Three:

‘Hey DC Green. Your act was awesome.’ - Sebastiano.

‘Your show was great. I liked the three little pigs story and the one we made up.’ - James.

‘Your act was fantastic, you should be an actor on TV.’ - Tanisha.

‘When you came it was cool. PS you need to work on your rap.’ - Josh.

‘Hello DC, your talk was very interesting. I love the book that you wrote. It was very funny. Oh and when you came I liked your shirt.’ - Lisa.

‘Yoh! DC I think you are a cool man and very funny. I like the names of your cats.’ - Reuby.

‘Yo yo DC you did a very cool rap dude. When I see you next I think you're going to do an even better rap.’ - Alex.

‘Yoh!!! DC I like your story, it's great. I've been using my imagination on the weekend. You look really cool and funny.’ - Emma.

‘Hey DC, I really enjoyed your show. I enjoyed your book.’ - Macauley.

‘Hey DC Green, your act was great. How did you get your book so good?’ - Isaac.

‘Yoh!!! DC I love your stories. You are nice and funny.’ - Samuel.

‘I liked the show of DC Green. It was good, it was very funny. It was a funny show when you did that dance. I liked the duck story. That was very funny.’ - Douglas.

‘I thought that your show was so funny and extraordinary. Thank you for your talent.’ - Alhanna.

‘Yo yo DC, it was cool of you to come to my school. You are cool. PS cool book you wrote.’ - Josh.

‘I thought that I would not like the shows but I enjoyed it so very much. You are nice. I want your book so much because it is good.’ - Elyse.

‘DC, I like your book very much because it is wacky and funny. PS I hope you make lots more books.’ - Milla.


Reviews from Mater Dei Catholic Primary School (Wagga Wagga), Year 2:

‘The best thing I liked about DC Green was his rap because it was hilarious.’ - Ashleigh.

‘The best thing I liked about DC Green was he was very funny. DC Green was fantastic because he acted out parts of his story. He was COOL!’ - Jackson.

‘The best thing I liked about DC is that he did very funny dances and told great stories.’ - Tim.

‘The best thing I liked about DC Green was he was funny and confident.’ - Brendan.

‘I think DC used his imagination. I think DC Green's imagination is now a lot bigger than a pea.’ - Kate.


Student reviews in the Bothwell District School (Tasmania) Weekly Newsletter:

‘DC Green was VERY funny. Even the teachers laughed. He told us made up stories and he was asked some very funny questions.’ - Kimberley.

‘I liked DC Green because his funny rap was cool. I liked his voice. I want to read his new book. I wonder if he can come back because I like his jokes and I didn't get to ask him a question. My question is where is he from.’ - Harley.

‘I liked DC Green because he has funny jokes and is good with children.’ - Zak.

‘I thought it was very funny.’ - Josh.

‘DC Green was very funny and nice. His performance was funny.’ - Sophie.

‘He was very funny. I liked his song at the start. I also liked him when he made up some stories.’ - Will.

‘I liked the part where DC rapped and told some stuff about himself.’ - Brock.

‘I liked DC because he was funny and he is a good author.’ - Amanda.

‘I thought he was funny and he was a bit of a show off. But he is funny. - Tiffany.

‘I really enjoyed the DC Green visit. He is very eccentric and his songs are just plain crazy.’ Maddy.

‘DC Green came up to our school and made writing stories really fun and enjoyable. He made us come up with some ideas. It was very good and exciting to meet a book author. I had fun. He was really funny when he did some dance moves and everyone was laughing at him. I hope he can come up to our school and do it all over again.’ - Kate.

‘Today a really funny book author came to our school to tell us about his new book Erasmus James & the Zap Machine. His name was DC Green. Some people in the school guessed what DC stood for and won posters. He did a little song at the start and a rap at the end. I liked the rap because it was funny.’ - Annabelle.


Student reviews from the Corrimal East Public School Newsletter:

‘DC Green told a lot of jokes. He was very funny. He read us a story. He used to be a surfer. He did a dance. He likes to write stories. At the end he asked us some questions. We really enjoyed his visit.’ - 1M.

‘This show was one of the best author shows I've been to. It was funny and interesting throughout the show.’ - Jamie, Yr. 6.

‘He did funny impressions, rap songs, poems and read a chapter of his book and told funny stories.’ - Amy, Yr. 6

‘After DC Green sang a song, we talked about the book and Rowan pretended to be the Galactic Zapp Machine King with DC Green. It was funny!’ - Tess, Yr. 6.


Former Surfing Journalist Captures The Imagination Of Stellar Students

By Maddy, Queanbeyan High School.

‘DC Green lives on the south coast of NSW and is a happy-go-lucky guy who travels to schools in NSW to give interesting talks on writing novels and magazine articles.

‘As part of International Writers' Celebration, DC Green was invited to give a talk to Queanbeyan High School students. He spent an hour with the Year 7 and 8 Stellar classes and shared some poems and chapters from his book. He made things interesting with jokes and crazy raps.

‘His book, Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine, is a funny story including smelly ninja horses, mutant chicken lamps and a crazy king. D.C Green has managed to create a story that will have you laughing and amazed with word play. An interesting book packed with fun!

‘As a result of his visit students were inspired to use their imaginations and expand their vocabularies. We thank DC Green for his time and encouragement.’


And finally, some book reviews...

'Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine' is amusing and takes you on a whirlwind adventure of imagination. The reader is compelled to find out what will happen next. I recommend it to anyone who enjoys a fun read.’
Review by Chloe, 11, Canberra, Australia.

‘I love this book. It’s funny. It’s adventurous. It’s it’s it’s brilliant!’
- Beth S, 12 years old.

‘Don't miss this funniest adventure story of all time. My 14 year old son couldn't put DC Green's work down. He was lost as soon as he read the first paragraph. All I heard was peals of laughter interspersed with ‘Yeuch!’, ‘Gross’ and other teenage expressions of appreciation. Check it out.’ - Maria Doherty.

‘Amazing story. Looking forward to see what’s gonna happen in Uponia.’ - Fábio.

‘It's like Harry Potter, but with way funnier jokes.’
- Hayley T, 11 years old.

‘This chapter is tops and so is your whole book... Lots of laughs. Best of all are the surprises at the end. Blew my mind!! Hurry up with your next book!!! Exclamation marks!!!!’ - Jamie.

‘I love your book. It’s so funny and exciting. Every time I read it I can never put it down until I’ve finished it. I can't wait to read all your books to come.’ - Anon.

‘This hilarious book is amazingly creative!’
- Review from a Thirroul Public School student in the Illawarra Mercury.

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The Stinky Squad Video!

The Stinky Squad Video!

The Stinky Squad advertisement, as seen on Nickelodeon...

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WIN 10 YEARS of FREE Barrel Books!

WIN 10 YEARS of FREE Barrel Books!

* All signed by the author & illustrator!

* Books will include EVERY DC Green book published in the next ten years!!

* All mailed to your door, hot off the presses!!

* Plus great runner-up prizes every month: posters, signed books and original signed Stinky Squad artwork!

How to WIN

Step 1.Write a review of Stinky Squad (or any other Barrels Book).
You could talk about the story, characters, who you'd recommend the book to, what you liked best or what you disliked.

Step 2. Get the review published.
Mail or e-mail your review to: your local newspaper; your school newsletter or magazine; online book review sites (there are dozens of these – just do a search), or even in the Barrel Books Shop review section. You might even get paid for your review or win a prize!

Step 3. Send us proof you've succeeded.
Send a photocopy or original of your published review to:
Barrel Books
PO Box 427
Ulladulla NSW 2539
Oztrailer… wait, I mean, Australia.

If the review is published online, simply mail the review URL (website address) to Barrel Books or post it on the 'Win Prizes' page at www.barrelbooks.com

What are you waiting for?
Get writing and WIN! ALL entrants will become Elite Members of the Stinky Squad Fan Club!! The first monthly prize will be a free author-signed Barrel Books book of your choice!
The more reviews you have published, the more chances you have to win!
If writing is too hard, you can still win other great prizes - like signed Stinky Squad posters. Just send us your contact details (or post them here) and we'll sign you up in the Stinky Squad Fan Club! It's FREE!

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Young Writer Interview

Young Writer Interview

Brenton Cullen is a 12-year old author who has already had his first book published, The Writers, and has more on the way. Hoping to inspire grommets to write more, DC Green interviewed the Boy Wonder of Books…

What do you enjoy most about writing?
The outlining, and just writing itself

What are you working on now?
At the moment I am having a manuscript edited by my lovely author friend, Sally Odgers, (it is a fantasy) and also adapting a script from a book as well as starting a new story about an orphan.

What’s your best writing tip?
I don't have writing tips. People can't give you tips, and you just think ‘Oh yeah!' and finish the whole novel easily and quickly. It doesn't work like that. Take your time to just make sure it's perfect. Also, write what YOU want not what other people tell you what THEY want.

Tell us about your book, The Writers: a Collection of Australian Writers' Biographies.
Well it is a collection of biographies on Aussie authors. I interviewed them, researched them, and everything in about four-six months.

Would you rather write best-selling books or books that win awards?
Hmmm .... this is a tricky question. I guess I would like to actually write award-winning, best-selling books!! Ha! But I would love it more if someone wrote a script on one of my books for perhaps a film or TV series.

Have you read many DC Green books? If not, WHY NOT? If so, which ones and what did you think of them?
No. Mainly because his books are not available where I live, but did read a download copy of Erasmus from his blog, and thought it was OK.

Do you think kids should read more?
Yes, definitely

Is reading better than watching TV? Why?
Well, reading is important and I do watch TV. But it really depends, If it's a crap book I will put it down. If it is good I'll forget what TV even is....

What’s the weirdest thing about Brenton Cullen?
Two things: I wrote three picture books in one week for no reason whatsoever. I didn't even like them, and have no idea why. And I hate fish fingers but like fish.

You can check out more of Brenton, including his reverse interview of DC Green, at http://www.bcull.webs.com/

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An INDEX! And... RSS!!

An INDEX! And... RSS!!

This blog keeps swelling like a mutant chook with constipation.

So here's an Index to make things easier!

First up, the big news is this site now has RSS! Every day new articles will appear for children plus new jokes, writing tips, children's book news, weird facts and words of the day. Even when I'm on holiday! That means over 50 great new reasons to visit this site every day!


Left hand column

First up: school shows! There are reviews from teachers and students about my funny and weirdly informative shows and info about where I'm touring next, including 2007.

Next, a bunch of reviews, followed by a photo of nine basket-case kittens and another review by the esteemed Dianne Bates, before we move on to some teacher notes and more reviews of Erasmus James & the Galactic Zapp Machine, rip into four chapters for the main course, then finish off with a dessert of some sick surfing sites and WebRing... thingies!

* DC Green's Top Ten FAQs! All the questions you ever wanted to ask DC Green. Possibly.
* Teacher notes for Erasmus James & the Galactic Zapp Machine (or as we call the book around here, EJ&tGZM).
* An Absolute Corker! EJ&tGZM review by Australia's Surfing Life magazine.
* A World of Wonder. Another glowing book review, this one by legend children's author, Bill Condon.
* Bonus mini reviews. A dozen or so extra shiny, happy critters.
* EJ&tGZM front cover!
* The Big One! The first four chapters of EJ&tGZM. Enjoy!
* World Surf Media Guide, including a photo of DC Green (that's me!) surfing something other than the web...
* Wonderful WebRings. Nothing but the coolest Rings on the Web.


Right hand column

* DC Green mugshot & profile... stuff.
* Bookmark Australia. The best site to order a copy of EJ&tGZM.
* Links. There's a ton of these and I rotate them around regularly, but they are all well worth checking out. Here you'll find great children's and adult authors, top artists and illustrators, ripper writing sites, things to do, recommended blogs, some DC-related articles and more than a cyborg chook can pole vault!

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Rave Raz Reviews!

Rave Raz Reviews!

Here's a few ripper reviews for 'Erasmus James & the Galactic ZAPP Machine'...

"DC Green is a sharper, swarthier JK Rowling."
- Derek Rielly, Stab Magazine.

"It's like Harry Potter, but with way funnier jokes!"
- Hayley T, 11 years old.

"DC Green is such a great writer. Oh, I wish I was 14 again! It's like a breath of fresh air to read this whimsical stuff."
- Carol Roach, author & Storytime Tapestry editor.

"This fabulous, fun-filled fable is so good, I was laughing out loud. DC Green's brilliant talent shines through at every turn of this tale. I'm still chuckling at some of the lines."
- Jodi Flesberg Lilly, Ryze Creative Writers Network moderator. www.lightinmotion.net

"Erasmus James & the Galactic Zapp Machine has an exciting plot (complete with timely message) with many an unexpected twist. The language is a mirror to ‘kid-culture,’ and the clever use of word and pun will captivate readers of all ages."
- Jensen Ruehle, Bookmark Australia.

"This is great reading! I laugh out loud every time! And, I never know when the next guffaw will come roaring up!"
- David Moorhead, journalist, web designer, life coach. davidmoorhead.com

"This is a great read for the groms floating around puberty."
- Tracks magazine.

"Erasmus is certainly unique, has heaps of kid appeal and a message or two hidden amongst all the zaniness to boot!"
- Sue Whiting, www.suewhiting.com

"Erasmus James is an awesome read, an absolute corker!"
- Tim Fischer, Australia's Surfing Life magazine.

"I love reading about Erasmus. He has the kind of adventures I had in my head as a kid before the grown up disease got me."
- Maria Stepek Doherty, Storytime Tapestry senior writer. www.chrysalistransformations.com

"DC Green’s use of alliteration is brilliant and his play on words sends me into fits! His imagination is so vivid and deep and so appealing to children... Beneath all this intelligent hilarity is an underlying message about life questions, like facing one's demons/fears and hates as Erasmus does throughout his journey into Uponia."
- Moira Elliott, Pass It On.

"I love this book. It’s funny. It’s adventurous. It’s it’s it’s brilliant!"
- Beth S, 12 years old.

"WOW! I am the Gran of five boys and nine girls aged 18 months to 17.5 years, and I love this book!"
- Judith Bamford, The Buzzing Bees Ezine.

"This story is highly original, humorous, fantastical and will no doubt (in my mind at least) have DC Green being called 'the new Paul Jennings.' I was hooting all the time with laughter."
- Di Bates, author of over 90 books for children. home.pacific.net.au/~dibates

"Thanks heaps for letting me read the book to my class. I read a chapter or so each day and they really enjoyed it, especially the jokes and the naughty bits!"
- Bob Swoope, teacher, Milton Public School.

" Thank you DC Green! The imagery you create is wonderful. I love the dialogue and the way you play with words is awesome."
- Shirley Soodeen, author. pinksooshi.blogspot.com

"Funny funny funny... After a long time, an intergalactic laugh out loud adventure."
- Arjun Chandramohan Bali, screenwriter. balihai.blogspot.com

"DC Green must have a blast writing. It shows. What a fantastic escape from humdrum!"
- Steve Trotter, The National Truth. www.SteveTrotter.com

"Amazingly creative."
- The Illawarra Mercury.

"It is a great shame that I am not a nine-year-old boy. Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine is weird and warped, including everything from pumpkin-pie eating ninja horses to giant texta wielding birds. It is full of whimsy and cunning... a roller-coaster ride."
- Gillian Polack, As If Reviews.

"DC Green has a gift for crazy gung ho plots and even quirkier frenzied descriptions. But the big reason this book is so wonderful is because it's too funny for words!"
- Sandy Fussell, author.

"I normally wouldn't like something with so much farting in it, but I love-love-loved this book. It's kind of Hitch-hikers Guide crossed with Narnia crossed with Black Beauty and the Goodies. I laughed, I cried, I worried about the author's mental health... Much like that muddy pothole on my grandparents' driveway, Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine is a lot deeper than it looks."
- Emma Hardman, 2006 ABC Fiction Award runner-up.

"A world of wonder, surprise and great fun awaits readers of Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine. DC Green has created a joyous comic funfare ride of a book... A brilliant debut novel from a clever and inventive writer. Kids will love this one."
- Bill Condon, CBCA Honor Book of the Year winner.

"An action-packed, humorous adventure which will appeal to upper-primary aged readers. There are plenty of laugh out loud moments, interspersed with action and some gentle messages about family, friendship and even self-belief. Plenty of fun."
- Sally Murphy, Aussie Reviews.

"A rollicking, fart-filled yarn."
- Surfer magazine (USA).

"DC Green is the new Roald Dahl."
- DC Green.

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Erasmus James: The Cover!

Erasmus James: The Cover!

OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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BOOK REVIEW: The New Roald Dahl? By Dianne Bates***

BOOK REVIEW: The New Roald Dahl? By Dianne Bates***

The back cover blurb of Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine proclaims its author DC Green "**the new Roald Dahl". I agree. This is not to say that this new Australian children's author writes in any way like Dahl, but the originality, vigour and humour of his storytelling and his refreshingly idiosyncratic use of language marks him as One to Watch Out For.
A legendary international surfing journalist from southern NSW, Green impressed Ibis Publishing executives so much with his writing that they signed him up for a three book series, a feat almost unheard for a first-time children's author in today's Australia. (New writers take note!)

So, what is it that makes the first Erasmus James' book such a stand-out? For a start, Green breaks all the rules, not just in aspects such as characterisation and use of language, but in punctuation. When did you ever read a book where an exclamation mark is extended to a series of four? Where three brackets are used instead of one? At first I found this lack of convention irritating, but as I became swept up into the strongly paced, side-splitting humour of the book with its underlying whacks at twenty-first century conventions, I forgot all of my school-marm, judgemental reservations.

Erasmus James, son of an inventor who meddles with dad's latest – a machine which doesn't just move into time, but into Uponia (a whole new, fantastical dimension) - is a sassy-mouthed boy who wants to get home. Having met King Reginald the Seventy-seventh, Ruler of Uponia from the foothills of the Bloodhorse Mountains (etc, etc, etc, etc), Erasmus (Raz for short), fast-talks his way into surviving by negotiating to sell King Reg a prototype for a kar. He does this by a modern means, presenting the tyrannical, murderous Reg with a Lameboy, which, like all Gameboys deadens Reggie's brain and natural inclinations. The King even condescends to repair Raz's galactic zapp machine while he sends the boy along the Trans-Uponian Highway to see the Great Wonder of Uponia.

A talking (and wind-breaking) ninja horse by the name of Franklin is Raz's mode of transport in a strange land frequented by mutant poultry, which, early in the piece, have Erasmus thinking, "Didn't those bird-brains know you can't make an omlette without breaking a few eggs? (I wonder if that's original?) Which brings me to the other seven things I thought of: crunchy spuds with roast chicken, satay chicken, chicken wings with a selection of yummy dips, apricot children, Bayfried Chicken (BFC), chicken burgers smothered in apple sauce, and, of course, Vietnamese chicken omlette."

My reading of Erasmus James and the Intergalactic Zapp Machine often had me in fits in laughter, reinforcing the book's back blurb warning, "so funny, you could break ribs or explode internal organs from laughing so hard". What the blurb doesn't mention is that if you read the book while in the company of others, you might annoy them greatly by reading aloud long chunks of side-splitting sections, which is what I did time and again.

My appreciation of this new author's first book is not totally without reservation. At times (especially in the introductory chapter), I found Erasmus' asides broke the story flow and that sometimes Green's over-statements (such as references to the farting horse and Vietnamese food) were annoying. Some adults might find the near-end scene of death highly offensive. But these are small quibbles in a book which plays around irreverently with all aspects of language.

Underlying all of the book's hilarity is a message about life, about heroically facing one's fears and conquering them in a world (such as today's) where mad-men bent on world domination and destruction hold sway, but where lesser mortals can in the end, with humour, co-operation and persistence and by overcoming prejudices, triumph. Watch out for DC Green!


**(((By the way, it was DC HimSelf who compared HimSelf with the late and great Dahl!!!)))


*** Dianne Bates is the author of over 90 books for children, including Money Smart Kids and Grandma Cadbury's Trucking Tales. http://home.pacific.net.au/~dibates/

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Kitten-a-rama

Kitten-a-rama

Okay, this has nothing to do with mutant chooks, but aren't these nine kittens super cute?

Their names are Jet, Storm, Inky, Zeus, Gandalf Freddy, Rusty, Buffy, Ninja and Frankie Junior. Their mums (Roxy and Roxy's daughter, Angel) gave birth to them on the same day!! Our house is now even more of a crazy house!

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DC Green's Top Ten FAQs!

DC Green's Top Ten FAQs!

I get stoked whenever I receive e-mail, letters or even blackmail notes from readers. It's especially fantastic when fans tell me they love my books!!

What I mostly get asked are FAQs = Frequently Asked Questions. Here are the best of those questions, along with the worst of my answers!


Question 1: What does the 'DC' in 'DC Green' stand for?

Answer: My daughter reckons, 'Dangerous Chef'...


Question 2: When did you start writing?

Answer: I've always loved writing. By the time I was ready to be born I'd completed my first three books. I would have written more, but I wasted most of the time looking around for somewhere to plug in my laptop. When the doctor smacked me on the backside, I squinted at him and went, 'Waaah!' Which of course meant, 'Ah, you must be my agent!'
Okay, I'll try and be a little more serious ;-)...


Question 3: What was your job before you wrote Erasmus James & the Galactic Zapp Machine?

Answer: Before I became a children's author, I worked as a surf journalist. That dream job combined my love of surfing, writing and travelling. I had thousands of articles and stories published in about 30 countries, travelled the world, met every world surfing champion, won a few awards (for my writing, not for my surfing)... and lost part of my bum cheek on a tropical reef.


Question 4: Where did you get the great ideas for EJ&tGZM?

Answer: My daughter and stepson wanted a story with lots of jokes, ninja horses, mutant chooks, space travel, a cracking story-line and some good scares. I mashed these elements up in my brain blender and read the results to a lot of kids. Whenever they wandered off to the nearest Playstation, I threw that section out. Whenever the kids rolled around laughing on the floor and begged for another chapter, I knew I was on the right track.


Question 5: Will you please visit my school?

Answer: I love doing school visits and have worked out an interactive show that is filled with laughter and surprises. Just get your teacher or librarian to contact me, and I'll do my best to visit your school on my next book tour!
If your country doesn't have my books, send letters to your leaders!


Question 6: Where do you live?

Answer: I grew up in a small town on the South Coast of NSW in Australia called Ulladulla. Though the town isn't so small anymore, I still live there, along with one slightly crazy daughter, three very crazy cats and a blue-tongue lizard.


Question 7: What's your best writing tip?

Answer: Read a lot and write every day, even if just a few words. Imagination can be the best fun park in the universe!


Question 8: What are your plans for the future?

Answer: I plan to write a lot more children's books and become a billionaire author like JK Rowling (ha ha). Unlike her, I will donate 90 % of my profits to charity. I'd also like to still be surfing at age 109, hopefully on a tropical zapp planet with sponge-lined reefs!


Question 9: Why did you become a children's author?

Answer: I read the famous Harry Potter books and discovered they all told the same story, were predictable, flabby in parts and lacked any rip-snorting jokes, especially of the fart variety. I figured I could do a better job and so began work on 'Erasmus James & the Galactic Zapp Machine.' What fun it is to create worlds and characters! Now I'm hooked and will be a children's author till the day I do my final fart!!


Question 10: How can I contact you?

Answer: You can send me an e-mail from my profile page or leave a comment after any article. You can also send me smoke signals, but the only reply I know how to make is, "Help! My kitchen is on fire!!"


Bonus Question: What's your next project?

Answer: Can you keep a secret? The book I'm working on now (my best ever) is called... Stinky Squad! Did somebody say zombies and gross superpowers?
And the next two Erasmus James books have even more laughs, adventure, new zapp worlds and revelations!


Until next time.

Happy writing, reading and laughing,


DC Green

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"An Absolute Corker!" - ASL Review

"An Absolute Corker!" - ASL Review

"Erasmus James & the Galactic Zapp Machine" Review by Tim Fisher, Australia’s Surfing Life magazine.

"Had a flick through any kids books lately? Nope? There’s a bloody good reason. Sure, some of ‘em are great, but there’s a ton that aren’t. Don’t even get me started on that bloody Hazza Potter and his gang of ridiculous witches, or whatever they are.

"Erasmus James, on the other hand, is full of ninja horses, mutant chooks and more ridiculously original nonsense from the fevered brain of original Tubequest warrior DC Green, gonzo surf writer extraordinaire. Writing compelling character studies of inbred South Oz locals or blow-by-blow accounts of Mick Fanning’s St Leu celebrations might be one thing, but writing a kid’s book and making it funny, is a different kettle of milk altogether.

"With the Galactic Zapp machine, DC has pulled off an absolute corker."

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A World of Wonder - Review by Bill Condon

A World of Wonder - Review by Bill Condon

A world of wonder, surprise and great fun awaits readers of Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine, published by Ibis Books.

DC Green has created a joyous comic funfare ride of a book that zips the reader along with wise-cracking Erasmus who, with the aid of his Dad’s incredible Zapp Machine, somehow finds himself in Uponia, the Planet of Ponies and People. "When I pulled that silver lever, it was like being sucked into God’s cosmic vacuum cleaner. What a brain buzz!"

And what a buzz it continues to be as Erasmus teams up with Franklin, a good natured talking horse with a nasty wind problem.

This is fast and furious, laugh out loud humour but also, for those who look a little harder, Green has managed to weave in a subtle message about powerful leaders intent on ruining the world’s ecology to further their own ends. It fits in neatly without being at all clunky, and every page is still very funny indeed.

A brilliant debut novel from a clever and inventive writer. Kids will love this one.

- Bill Condon, author of over 80 books for children. www.enterprisingwords.com

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Review: A Whirlwind Adventure of Imagination

Review: A Whirlwind Adventure of Imagination

Review by Chloe K, 11, Canberra, Australia.

'Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine' is Australian author D.C. Green's first novel for children. D.C. Green comes from a writing background of award winning surf and travel journalism and adult humour.
The main character Erasmus is an extremely adventurous and curious boy who lives with his mad scientist father. Erasmus finds it challenging to obey rules and his negative attitude makes friendships difficult. Against his father's instructions Erasmus uses the Zapporter (a machine invented by his father to transfer you to different galaxies). It is here that we travel with Erasmus on a two fold journey. One where he physically travels across a different galaxy, and the other where he learns how to trust and to treat others with understanding and respect.

D.C. Green has cleverly used both people and animals as significant characters. The main characters Erasmus and Franklin, a horse, both have very different personalities and clash with a big bang.

This book is amusing and takes you on a whirlwind adventure of imagination. The reader is compelled to find out what will happen next.

I recommended it to anyone who enjoys a fun read.

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Review: "I really loved this book"

Review: "I really loved this book"

"I normally wouldn't like something with so much farting in it, but I really loved this book. It was funny and silly and quite moving. Much like that muddy pothole on my grandparents' driveway — Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine is a lot deeper than it looks. Buy it for your kids. Buy it for your nieces and nephews, grandkids and friends. Buy it for yourself."Erasmus James (Raz) is an arrogant eleven-and-a-half-year-old who lives with his dad, and a menagerie of sick animals his dad takes in — including camels, possums and roos.

"Ever since Raz's pet chook (Chooky) was killed by a truck, Erasmus has hardened his heart towards the animal world:

"'After half a pack of tissues I resolved to be on the winning side from that day on. My Dad's soft side only lead to heartbreak, and a stinky room.'

"So when Raz nicks his dad's newest invention, 'the zapporter', and zapps himself into 'Uponia', he is none-too-pleased to find that it is a world full of the animals he most dislikes — horses. Smelly, furry, farting horses. And worse: they talk.

"Thus begins Erasmus' odyssey. He journeys with Franklin the Talking Ninja Horse towards the Great Wonder, supposedly a quest on behalf of the human King of Uponia. But Raz really aims to rule this pathetic little world of farting horses, rock-eating giant birds, and flesh-eating Bloodhorses. Unfortunately, he merely stirs up political tensions and creates an industrial revolution that could threaten the livelihood and happiness of all in Uponia.

"Will Raz come to his senses and stop being such a pratt? Will he get out of Uponia alive? And will Raz's dad get up the courage to ask their neighbour Ms Trang (Vietnamese cook extraordinaire) out on a date?

"This is a book aimed at kids, in the tradition of Narnia, Alice in Wonderland, and … Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy. But with lots more farting.

"On another level, it's a story about the impact of technology, about personal responsibility, and the journey of a boy learning how to express his feelings.

"Now, I normally wouldn't like something with so much farting in it, but I really loved this book. It was funny and silly and quite moving. Much like that muddy pothole on my grandparents' driveway — Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine is a lot deeper than it looks. Buy it for your kids. Buy it for your nieces and nephews, grandkids and friends. Buy it for yourself."


By Emma Hardman*, from Emma's South Coast Writing Newsletter
(* 2-time winner of the Byron Shire Short Story Competition)

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Review: "I could not contain my sniggers!"

Review: "I could not contain my sniggers!"

I feel compelled to tell all that DC Green is a great children's writer. Having had the pleasure and privilege to read Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine, I am in awe of his unique style. His use of alliteration is brilliant; 'back in time for breakfast, my backpack bloated with booty' and 'the kar was a korpse'. His play on words sent me into fits of laughter 'Oil's not Well'.

I would read the book on the train into work and could not contain my sniggers, giggles and 'ooooh, aaaahs' and eventually got used to the bemused commuter looks as the book cover shouts out 'children's novel!'

Stabasco sauce, MC Hammerhook, karpark, Uponia, tweetment for chooks and my favourite, Lameboy, brought out the child in me and I devoured every word. His imagination is so vivid and deep and so appealing to children of most ages with his constant references to films and pop icons.

The language of the protagonist is typical of an 'almost twelve year old' and yet one can read, albeit subtly, how this life-learning journey that Erasmus embarks upon, changes not only his perspective on life but his use of language symbolises his growth and new level of maturity.

DC Green's style of using four exclamation marks is novel (see page 163). Metaphors abound and I particularly love the one used towards the end of the book, quote, 'Let's make like a big zit and break out!'

Again, his 'today' language is, to coin a rather dreadful phrase, 'so in your face' that its appeal is immediate and what could be more immediate than 'his googling eyes'. Beneath this intelligent hilarity is an underlying message about life questions; facing one's demons and hates as Erasmus does throughout his journey into Uponia and most pertinently, his relationship with his Crazy Dad whose name is changed at the end of his journey to, Hero Dad.

I so look forward to reading more of this talented author's work. Laughter is such a tonic and Green's books are certainly that.

- Moira Anne Elliott, Australian Society of Editors.

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Review: "Plenty of Fun!"

Review: "Plenty of Fun!"

Wow, the great reviews keep rolling in! Here's one by Sally Murphy of AussieReviews.com, Australia's biggest online review site...

"Erasmus James and the Galactic Zapp Machine is an action-packed, humorous adventure which will appeal to upper-primary aged readers (10 – 12). There are plenty of laugh out loud moments, interspersed with action and some gentle messages about family, friendship and even self-belief.

"Plenty of fun."

For the rest of this review, click here: http://www.aussiereviews.com/article1970.html

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World Surf Guide

World Surf Guide

DC Green, doin' some research. (Photo: Ted Grambeau)




Welcome to my World Surf Guide! Here you'll find the planet's top surf sites, magazines, photographers and surfboard shapers. Many of 'em are personal mates!

Surfing news, hot action, antics and tomfoolery at the online home of Australia's Surfing Life magazine

Tim Baker - Australian surfing journalist shamelessly self-promoting

Jim Banks Surf. Legendary sticks & stories from the guru of Indo travel

Surfphotos.com. Surf photography from John Bilderback

Sean Davey Photography - amazing images from giant Pipeline to the wilds of Tasmania

Harro Art. Take another look at the world, from another angle, from another view.....

Liquidmagonline.com. Nothing but the best surf articles, interviews, photos & journals.

MP: The Life Of Michael Peterson. The book of the legend, by Sean Doherty.

Pitpilot (UK) is funny and interesting, full of tail busting but disgusting stuff.

Planeta Surf: Mexico's first & only surfing magazine. Written in Spanish, about Mexicans.

Planetsurf.net, your online surfing resource.

RA TV is definitive boardriding television. Featuring surfing, skateboarding, snowboarding, longboarding & bodyboarding, RA is the brainchild of world champion surfer, Barton Lynch & pro surfer, Stuart Bedford Brown.

Sarge's Daily Surf. The latest surf photos, news and goss with tour legend Sarge.

SurfAid International, a non-profit humanitarian aid organization.

Surf Europe. Europe's mightiest. Published in English, French, German, Spanish & Portuguese.

SurfINSIDE. Surf reports, forecasts, surfing pics and online shop.

Sharpy, UK based surf photojourno par excellence...

The Surfrider Foundation. Non-profit organisation preserving our oceans & beaches

Stab: a sweaty little surf mag for creepy dudes

Surfer. The heavyweight champion of US and world surf magazines

The Surfers Journal. Clean Surfing. Artful Photography. Intelligent Writing. More Book than Magazine.

The Surfer's Path. The world's first 100% green surfing magazine.

The Surfers Group, formed by Barton Lynch, offers a consultancy service; develops the careers of surfers, snowboarders, skaters, musicians; and owns RA TV!

Tracks magazine. The surfer's bible, online or off.

Waveride. Surfing the lifes' waves.

Waves. Now filthy, all-new and improved.

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Erasmus James & the Galactic ZAPP Machine

Erasmus James & the Galactic ZAPP Machine

CHAPTER ONE: My Dad's Weird (Unlike Me)

Three! I was just three mouse clicks away from hacking into Bayfield High's computer system when…

BOOM!

My bedroom rocked. What was that? Earthquake? World War Three?

A shock wave (or maybe just shock) toppled me out of my computer chair. I almost landed on Fang, my dad's deaf ferret. Fang hissed and spat.

Then I smelt smoke.

'Nnnnno!' I cried. 'Dad's blown himself up! Again!'

I rushed to his rescue. Almost. For my earphones were still connected to my stereo, my left foot snagged in the jumble of power cables under my desk, and Fang took out my other leg with a biting crash tackle. I tumbled through my door into the hall, bringing down my chair, stereo and something that made a nasty, tinkling crash.

I looked up. A cloud of smoke rolled down the zigzag hall, shrouding a shadowy figure. Out waddled… a Frankenstein possum. 'Ack,' he coughed, and scratched his stitches.

More movement behind. Out lurched… my dad! Splattered with globs of fire-extinguisher foam, his eyebrows smoking, but alive.

Damn him! Why did Dad have to worry me so much? Causing worry was supposed to be my job!

Somewhat mad, I let rip a big Vietnamese rice burp. But my dad didn't notice, not even when I kicked my guilty door shut. He just swayed and smoked in the hall like a black dog on a hot tin roof, eyes bug-wide open, beard half shaved, the hair on his head part gone, part pointing in every direction (looking for the missing crop circle perhaps). Luckily, when he gets blown up like this, my dad wouldn't notice if I'd rented out my room to a homeless family (I hadn't, but there's a future money-making idea…).

I should point out that my old man normally has only a few kangaroos missing from his brain paddock, by which I mean he's only partly a mad scientist. He's actually a pass mark single father and a very clever inventor who's invented clever inventions like the laser toaster (banned in every state), the wallaby wheelchair (zero sales) and chocolate flavoured toothpaste (his bestseller to date). That's where I inherited my brains from. (Have I mentioned I'm brilliant yet?)

Yet unlike me, my dad is also somewhat weird. Especially at… normal things. For example, he works very strange and too long hours, sometimes wears his shirts backwards (like now) and, when cooking, has been known to burn water (which explains why we eat a lot of Vietnamese take-away) (which I don't really mind) (burrrp).

If you think I'm being too critical of my dad, well, I have to be, because I'm the Organised One. It's hard enough starting high school, topping every science test and preparing to wrestle with puberty, without worrying if my dad is going to blow himself up inventing a fart magnifier at nine in the evening. He just needs to get a faster car and a social life. (If he married Ms Trang from the Vietnamese restaurant on the corner, we could have discount take-aways every day.)

Even more embarrassing, my dad's way too soft hearted. Every week he comes home from his long walks with yet another run-down, half-dead dog, cat, bat, galah, possum, kangaroo or homeless crazy person he's scraped off the expressway or retrieved from under the electrical wires. Healthy animals are gross enough, let alone splattered or electrocuted ones.

So our house is too pitiful for me to invite any friends home (don't believe any other rumour you might hear). The only good thing about Dad being such a softie is that I can almost always con my way (especially if I use goo-goo eyes or guilt him out about my lack of a mother (but that's another story (and not really his fault (Aren't brackets fun?))))…

VROOM!

I jolted with surprise as hall fans kicked in, blowing away the smoke.

'Erasmus!' My dad focused on me at last.

'That's my name,' I replied, casually waving away my burp fumes. (In case you readers haven't guessed, I'm also the hero and teller of this story (a story that is 95 % true).) 'What went boom this time?'

'Who boom?' My dad flicked at his burning ear hair. 'Oh, that boom! Well, I wanted to celebrate, so I decided to light up a cigar. Unfortunately, in my excitement, I failed to notice the build up of methane caused by the close proximity of a certain flatulent camel named Abdul.'

I began to untangle myself. 'So camel fart gas caused your lab to blow up? Cool!'
'There was a fire, but I put it out.' My dad suddenly looked right at me. 'How'd you get that black eye, Erasmus?'

'Oh… that?' I fingered my still-sore cheek. 'Ah… cricket ball. Hazard of being small and hating cricket, I guess.'

'Hmm…' Dad raised one smouldering eyebrow.

I quickly changed the subject. 'Um, you said you were celebrating something?'

'Yes!' My dad jolted back to his happy state. 'I've finally finished it! The Nobel Prize will be ours!'

'I'm happy for you, Dad,' I yawned. 'But I'm busy, um… e-mailing my stockbroker in Singapore.'

'Your fiendish schemes can wait, Raz. You simply must see my latest invention!' With a smile almost off his dial, my dad ignored my frown and picked up my roller chair, indicating I should sit. I grumbled, and sat. 'Let's roll!' Dad laughed, scaring the one-eyed cat skulking outside the toilet door.

I sighed and figured I'd better play along. After all, my dad did pay my generous pocket money, and he was pushing me down the zigzag hall at speed, and I did love speed. Plus I didn't want him to check my room too closely. Besides, he seemed so excited, even I was becoming a bit interested.

'Eeeeh!' My dad imitated a car braking as he pulled my chair to a skidding halt. A bandaged puppy slid by, her three legs skittering. We were outside the secret door, beyond which a solar powered escalator led to my dad's even more secret lab in the basement. Normally, I wasn't allowed down there (though I had snuck in before (roughly 367 times)).

'Are you ready, Raz?' My dad grinned. 'Ready to see the most amazing invention in the history of inventions?'

I humoured him, and nodded. A willy wagtail with a bandaged wing plonked in my lap.

'Stupid bird. Poop in someone else's lap.' I stood up. 'Let's go, Crazy Dad.'

'Look out,' he warned.

I ducked, and a ferret in a mini hang-glider cursed past my ear. Crazy Dad grinned even harder and reached out toward his secret door.

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CHAPTER TWO: The Zapp Principle

CHAPTER TWO: The Zapp Principle

My dad's lab was a mess, but then it was always a mess. This time it was a lightly charred mess, covered with extinguisher gloop. Abdul the camel seemed happy enough though, despite his smoking bum fur.

Also surviving the fartplosion was my father's newest invention, all glowing lights and shiny metal buttons. Dad stood before it, looking very proud.

'This is my second most precious baby,' he announced, as if to a great crowd. 'It's the world's first inter-dimensional instant transporter. I call it a zapporter. When tapped into, the Zapp Principle requires remarkably little power to operate: just a couple of AA batteries, actually.'

My dad paused. I clapped once. 'Ahem,' he continued. 'Simply by standing in front of the zapporter and pressing this lever,' my dad reached out to a shiny silver lever, 'which I won't pull now, because I'm not really crazy-'

'Let's assume you were?' I was growing impatient.

'Ah, if I was, and if I did, I would be instantly transported right across the universe, maybe to an advanced alien civilisation!'

I was more than a bit interested now. 'Let's fire this sucker up and take a zap around the solar system!'

My dad looked horrified. 'Good gravy, Raz, we couldn't do that! First, we'd need to take this portable zapporter,' Dad pointed to a smaller machine on the shelf, 'otherwise we could never return to Earth! But even then, we still mustn't go! For what if we were transported to a world where the air was so acid it ate off our skin in seconds and dissolved our bones in minutes? Or if we stepped into a black hole and were compacted to microscopic size like space garbage? No Raz, only an expert astronaut could possibly test my zapporter!'

I was majorly bummed. 'I'm majorly bummed. What good is this invention if we can't play with it? Why don't you invent a transporter for use here on Earth? So we can just instantly zap to Singapore or Hanoi? Now that would be cool.'

'Raz, I'm hoping I can sell my zapporter to NASA or the Chinese. We may soon be very rich! Then we can do what we've always dreamed: buy a farm with lots of chickens and horses!'

'Gross, Dad,' I snorted. 'That might be your dream, but it's my nightmare! Farms are miles from anywhere interesting and usually smell like… farms. I've been to one, remember? Chickens are only cool when they're chopped up in a Vietnamese omelette. And horses… horses-' I spluttered for words. 'Horses haven't been cool since the Middle Ages, since cars were invented. Animals generally stink, are ugly, and have fleas and horrible needs. But horses are the stinkiest, ugliest, most flea-riddled, horribly needy animals of all! Well, they're the second most anyway,' I shuddered. I couldn't even name the worst animal. 'Still, being rich would be cool. As long as we're talking billions.'

'We can always dream, Erasmus.' My dad looked a bit stunned at my outburst. 'Anyway, back to your homework. Bed no later than ten. Brush every tooth first. I have to run a few final tests. And Raz?'

'What?'

'Make sure you stay away from this zapporter.' My dad tried to look all serious. What a joke. 'Okay, Raz? Okay?'

'Okay, Dad,' I lied.

But it was a white lie. A lie to stop my dad from worrying. For I knew better than to care about his dramatic warnings. He clearly needed my help. Soon I would be the first person in history to ride that zapporter. The first to visit another world! Soon I would fly faster than any Earth boy had ever flown before!! I would win a Nobble Prize too, maybe even before my dad!!! Me, Erasmus Einstein James!!!!

My dad leant forward to hug me. I leant back. 'Dad, I'm almost 12 and you're almost 40.'

'I'm still only 38,' he muttered.

'So isn't it time you outgrew this childish need of yours for hugs? Mum's gone. Get over it.'

'I…'

'Hug the damaged animals,' I advised.

'I do,' said my sad Dad. 'Every day. It's good therapy.'

Yeah, right. Poor Pops. 'G'night, Dad.'

I adopted one of my Dad's sick animals once. I won't make that mistake again. Captain Chook was a real fighter, and kind of cute, apart from his hideous internal injuries. I set up that rooster's sick bed right next to my own and provided round the clock snacks and tweet-ment. Every hour Chooky lived, I grew more confident he would survive.

On day three, I rushed home from school. Captain Chook's eyes were shut, but I could tell he was breathing. I reached out to pat his chest feathers. Chooky's eyes flew open. He pecked my hand hard. Blood dribbled out. Then… he died! It was as if Chooky was just waiting to pass on his ugly message before he karked it. There was a war raging between the animal world (e.g., my chook) and human inventions (e.g., the truck that squished my chook). After half a pack of tissues, I resolved to be on the winning side from that day on. My Dad's soft side only lead to heartbreak, and a stinky room.

Free of such worries, I began packing my backpack. A warm jumper, in case space is as cold as it looks. Space snack food, including two leftover containers of Vietnamese rice. Some handy off-world survival articles: a LameBoy game, mini disc player, my Bratty bear (I've outgrown bears, but this is a koala and could have educational benefits for aliens), a pair of boardies, a novelty hat and party shirt (in case any cuties invite me to a space disco). I packed then unpacked my mobile phone, figuring Uranus would probably be a few million kilometres out of roaming range. Sunscreen, in case I zapped too near the sun (my dad would be pleased). Comb. Toothbrush? Nah. Chocolate toothpaste? Why not? Chocolate bars? For sure.

Hmmm. Something to trade might come in handy too. So I printed out a few dozen schematics (invention plans) and sealed them watertight. Maybe I could trade the plans to build a microwave oven for an alien death-ray off Jar Jar Stinks?

I paused. What if I really did zap to somewhere gross or deadly? Would sunscreen save my bum in a black hole? Then I remembered. I could just transport myself straight back to my dad's lab with the portable zapporter! Everything would be cool, as long as I didn't freak out. And I never did that.

But first, I had to wait until my dad ran out of inventing steam. Around midnight I heard him stagger down the hall to his bedroom. Next came a whump as he collapsed onto his bed, followed by a series of smaller plop sounds that I knew came from the road-kill animals hopping onto his bed with him. I tiptoed down the hall and peered into Dad's room. He was snoring already, still fully dressed, and covered in bandaged mini-beasts. I pulled his door shut (that way, he'd be kept busy a little longer when he awoke, cleaning up their multiple poopsicles (especially Abdul's)), and snuck down the hall toward the secret door.

With luck, I'd be zapped back in time for breakfast, my backpack bloated with booty.


CHAPTER THREE: The Wrong End of the Beast

Wahooo!

When I pulled that silver lever, it was like being sucked right into God's cosmic vacuum cleaner. What a brain buzz! I spun through a sea of pulsing rainbow colour, past dimly remembered swirls of memory, right through the raw ingredients of the universe itself (or something else quite big). Just when I realised I could breathe without dying on my first flight with Zap Airlines, the in-flight show suddenly ended.

I was hovering, blue sky all around. I began to drop.

Uh oh.

Before I could emit a startled burp, I landed on something big, soft and furry. And alive! Whatever it was let out a loud grunt of surprise. Next, it began to run! I hadn't flown across the universe! All I'd done was land on some stupid farmer's stupid horse!

The nag charged down a field, faster and faster. I hung onto the only thing I could hang onto: the beast's gross, black-haired tail. Yes, that's right, I was facing backwards, and worse, I was RIDING BACKWARDS!

I turned around to see where we were racing. Then I did the only logical thing I could do. I screamed! A small, colourful fence loomed ahead. Did the big-butted brute plan to jump? If only horses had an 'Off' button. But since they don't, and for lack of a better idea, I shrieked:

'STOPPP!!'

Right before the jump, the horrid horse pulled up. Unfortunately, I did not. Because of the dumb law of momentum, I flew backwards off Horsebum (good riddance) and soared over the fence before angling down on the far side (according to the dumber law of gravity), crash-landing bum first in a pond.

'Gross!' I cried as the foul brown water splashed and soaked into my clothes.

'Ow!' I groaned as my bum landed and I began to slide across the slimy bottom.

'Oops,' I moaned when I finally stopped and looked over one shoulder at the wet and fizzing zapporter. So I was bruised, slimed, in serious trouble with my dad and a long way from that Noble Prize.

Lush pastures and horse jumps surrounded me, a postcard-perfect rural scene. I hated postcard-perfect rural scenes. Behind me, much more interesting, a huge castle hogged the skyline. It glistened with gold, like something out of a fairy tale freshly burst to life…

A movement caught my good eye. Oh. It was just Horsehead the Braindead, standing beside my pond as if it was checking out my wet and humiliating situation. As if. The beast almost seemed to be… smiling.

'You horse-brained horse!' I yelled in frustration. 'Why did you stop?'

'Well,' the thing whinnied, 'you asked me to stop!'

'I… you…' I spluttered. 'Spoke… just…'

'My name is Franklin.' The horror reached out a long black leg to help me up. 'I'm sorry I ran, and sorrier that you fell off. But you startled me when you landed on my back. I do hope your fall didn't cause that black eye.'

'I startled YOU? And yeah, um… you did cause my black eye, you bully!' I pushed aside his big hoof-smelling hoof and stood up on my own. This made no sense. 'How come you can speak Australian?' I demanded.

The horse replied with a faint smile, 'How come you can speak Uponian?'

'I didn't know I did.' I rubbed my chin. 'What are you really? Two midgets in a horse suit?? An android??? A late April Fool's hologram???? There must be a tape recorder stuck down your throat!'

I grabbed the fake nag by its fake head and wrenched open its big fake mouth. Ignoring the drool dribbling down my fingers, I peered down its dark, stinky throat, but all I could see were lots of big, squared-off teeth and a few stray lumps of… pumpkin pie? Pyew, sure stank of pumpkin pie too! I stepped back and looked suspiciously at this freak Franklin. He had a mean face, like one of Uncle Bob's crazy horses. I didn't like his black hair either, or the too-cute white diamond on his chest. Only a fool would trust this… Franklinstein. Talking horses just weren't natural.

'Waitaminute!' I suddenly beamed. 'If you're really a talking horse, then that must mean…' My head whirred. 'Where am I? Is this still Australia?? Still Planet Earth???'

'Arse-trailer?' The stallion snorted. 'Earth? What odd names. This is Uponia, the Planet of Ponies and People, pronounced 'You-Pony-Aaah.' Surely you must know th-'

'Yesss!' I cried and punched the air. 'I've done it! I've zapped space! Hello No-bell!' I would've danced a lot more, but I felt a bit embarrassed splashing around in a pond with a stupid horse looking on. I had to remember my mission.

In my most sensible, Organised voice, I said, 'I'm Erasmus. Who's in charge on this planet? (Please, please be a human.)'

Hagar-head horse smiled. 'The ruler in charge of this planet is indeed a human. He is the king who owns this equestrian arena, my lord and master. For I am Franklin, the King's Prime E-'

'Yeah, yeah, I get you. Now get me. TAKE. ME. TO. YOUR. LEADER!'

'You wish to meet King Reginald?'

'Do I have to ask 99 times? Look, I'm a very important ambassador. I'm on a mission, and time is money. So shake those groove hooves!'

'Climb onto my back,' laughed Franklin. 'We shall ride to the King!'

'I'd rather walk. I know your type, Fur Face. You just go announce my arrival. Remember to say what a mega day this is for your backwater world!'


CHAPTER FOUR: Doing The Royal Haggle

The king's throne room was so big, you could've fit a Tyrannosaurus Rex footy tournament in there. It was lit by hundreds of weird looking, mutated chickens holding light bulbs in their beaks. An honour guard of horses stood fanned out from the king's throne, which rose up on a stepped podium, as if the king was on sale. I was almost glad Franklin had insisted I dry off first. I'd also changed into my party shirt with the barbecued cats design, so everyone would take me seriously.

All eyes were on me as I approached, and there were some pretty weird eyes present. A dozen fancily dressed humans surrounded the king, all on their knees. As I drew closer, I realised the king's throne was made of several interwoven people, dressed in cloth of dazzling gold. The king clearly had an ego problem, but who could blame him? He was quite handsome, with a full head of wavy hair beneath his crown (unlike my mad dad). Here was someone I could deal with. Someone rich (and not a horse).

I spoke up in my boldest voice. 'I see you are a king with a taste for funky chairs!'

'Indeed,' the king boomed. 'I am King Reginald the Seventy-seventh, Ruler of Uponia from the foothills of the Bloodhorse Mountains to the farthest beach in Seahorsia, Conqueror of the Trots Flats and several bits of the eastern territories, heir of the late lamented Reginald the Seventy-sixth and Monarch of Just About Everything.'

'G'day,' I replied. 'I am Erasmus E. James the First, uh… Ambassador of the Planet Earth, er… Ruler of my bedroom from the door knob to the farthest cupboard, um… Conqueror of 76 computer games, Emperor of science projects, all-round child genius, heir of the dog and, ah… I'm a prince too. Really. And I have come to haggle business.'

'Fabulous!' King Reginald laughed. 'You speak boldly, young ambassador. I am not used to such language from my own subjects, which confirms you may indeed be from another planet. Yet what is this business of which you speak?'

'Trade,' I smiled. 'The machine that I must use to return to my planet has been damaged. I need it repaired.' From my backpack, I removed the zapporter. It dribbled brown pond water onto the golden tiles and spat a few sparks.

'Hmm.' The King clapped his hands. A magpie-faced man in a blue cloak appeared from behind the throne. 'This is Lord Whizman, head of my Inventions Department. He can repair your trinket, I am certain.'

Whizman snaked forward to paw at my dad's invention. 'This is surprisingly advanced,' he muttered. 'And very wet. The whole machine will need to be taken apart and dried before we can even look at the problem. Could take weeks of valuable time. Expensive job. Very expensive.'

'Expensive,' repeated the King to me. 'And what have you to offer in return, Ambassador Prince Erasmus?'

'Inventions!' I replied. 'You see, I'm an inventor too! I have plans for many useful things here with me.' I pulled out the schematics from my waterproof folder. 'How about a microwave oven?'

King Reginald shook his head. 'Uponia is a very advanced world. I doubt you could have any inventions we might need.'

'Yeah, right,' I scoffed and looked around at the chook raffle refugee lighting system and the retro horsey fashions. 'You probably haven't even discovered broadband yet!'

'Eh?'

I tried a different sales pitch. 'What about a solar powered umbrella? Or a wallaby wheelchair?? Every kingdom needs one of those. Or, um… a solid plastic container of genuine Vietnamese food???'

But the King shook his head at everything I suggested. I guess to him my inventions were just dumb words he'd never heard of (like floofyxzwackqwok might sound to us Earthlings). The King's lackeys were beginning to mutter. I needed to actually demonstrate something…

'Try this!' I ran up the podium and handed the King my LameBoy. 'My favourite is the game up now: Drag Drag Freak Racer. It has an excellent selection of super souped-up cars driven by some crazy but stylish transvestites.'

The King gave me a puzzled look. 'What are these… cars… of which you speak?'

'Check out the game.' I pointed to the LameBoy in his hands. 'It won't bite. Yeah, that's it. Press the Y button with your thumb. Now select your drag racer and ball gown using the Z button with your other thumb. Yeah, you're on it. Nice matching combo. Now you're on the starting line. Don't forget your seat belt. Starting flag… Go! Cool, now you're a real drag queen king racing a freaky drag drag racer! Not too fast into the corner… Ooh, you took out that granny! Wooh, you took out those biker police!! Woohoo, you took out your own car!?! Nice gruesome crash. Warned you about the seatbelt.'

Then it hit me… the stenchy stench of too many horses in one throne room (I felt like throne up). This dumb planet mustn't even have cars yet! I chuckled and pulled out my plans for a Holdent Model EH from the year my dad was born. This was my last chance, so I grabbed it.

'I hold here the plans for a car! A REAL car. Just like this LameBoy game, but no game! On my planet, everyone owns a car, except the financially challenged. The reason is simple. Cars are FAST! Many times faster than the fastest horse. And this invention never tires. All the best planets have cars. Of course, you'll need to master steel, rubber and chrome production, and build a few factories and discover oil and probably upgrade your roads, but it'll all be worthwhile, especially if you're into speed and efficiency. So how about it, King Reg? Are you a dull old school horse hauler, or a cool new school King of Cars?? Have we a deal???'

Every lackey, horse, mutant chook and Aussie boy in that throne room held their breath and waited for the King's reply.

'Throne room to King Reg?' I asked again. 'Hello? There's too much blue-faced breath-holding going on out here.'

But the King didn't seem to be listening. He was concentrating too hard on something else… a certain electronic game in his lap. I was used to my dad being lost in his work, so I knew just what to do. I stood right next to the King and bellowed, 'HAVE WE A DEAL?'

That did the trick. Reg almost fell off his throne. His human armrests began to snigger, but just as quickly stopped.

'What? Oh, yes.' The King recovered his composure (and his throne). 'Yes, of course I accept your trade. In exchange for the plans to build a car, you will be my honoured guest until my inventing team has repaired your… other gizmo.'

'Done,' I said, and handed him the EH car plans.

'Fabulous.'

'Excuse me, sire,' interrupted Whizman, notepad in hand. 'But how do you spell car?'
'Dolt!' sneered Reg. 'Of course it's car: K. A. R!'

I opened my mouth to correct him before deciding, well, what's the point of being absolute boss if you can't impose a little zany spelling? (And a deal is a deal is a deal.)

King Reg turned back to me. 'Now, I propose a further trade.'

'Shoot.'

The King held up my LameBoy. 'This kar racing game is… somewhat addictive.'

'Tell me about it,' I smirked. 'You know, those things are expensive where I come from.'

'Of that I am certain,' declared the King. 'Hmm. How does this trade sound? I keep the LameBoy with its… Freak Freak… Drag Racer game, while you return to your home planet carrying your own body weight in gold pyramids?'

'Yeeh…' I gasped.

'Double your weight in gold!' The King boomed.

'Wooh…' My heart thudded.

'Quadruple your weight in gold!' The King rose to his feet and thundered, 'My final offer!'

'Erh… Sold!' I croaked. 'Sold to the king with an eye for a bargain! I'll, um, even throw in all these other plans.' Whizman scuttled out and gathered up my pile of schematics.

I took a deep breath and gazed around the mighty throne room. If only I'd brought a video camera to record this historic moment. For who would ever have thought I'd end up here (wherever here was): the focus of a whole planet's attention? That I'd become a brilliant inventor who really can make a difference, actually improve a world for the better? Be a hero! A friend of royalty! Be popular, with a name revered, not mocked (and bashed), plus make a tidy gold profit to boot! Was this, like… Reverse Earth?

'Fabulously fabulous!' Reginald sat back down. 'By the way, what is your top score?'

'Five billion,' I couldn't help but boast. 'I've clocked FFDR and mastered every track.'

The King looked angry, but only for a second. 'You have presented both myself and my inventing team with great challenges this day, Prince Erasmus. In the meantime, while we attend to your repairs and organise your gold, perhaps you might like a brief tour of our fair planet? If you desire, I can organise the fastest transport in the land to take you via the Trans-Uponian Highway to see the Great Wonder of Uponia.'

'Why not?' I shrugged. 'Sounds like I've some time to torture.'


WANT to read more? Then buy my book! (pretty please with mutant chook heads on top)
Cheery cheers,

DC Green

Read more!

CHAPTER THREE: The Wrong End of the Beast

CHAPTER THREE: The Wrong End of the Beast

Wahooo!

When I pulled that silver lever, it was like being sucked right into God's cosmic vacuum cleaner. What a brain buzz! I spun through a sea of pulsing rainbow colour, past dimly remembered swirls of memory, right through the raw ingredients of the universe itself (or something else quite big). Just when I realised I could breathe without dying on my first flight with Zap Airlines, the in-flight show suddenly ended.

I was hovering, blue sky all around. I began to drop.

Uh oh.

Before I could emit a startled burp, I landed on something big, soft and furry. And alive! Whatever it was let out a loud grunt of surprise. Next, it began to run! I hadn't flown across the universe! All I'd done was land on some stupid farmer's stupid horse!

The nag charged down a field, faster and faster. I hung onto the only thing I could hang onto: the beast's gross, black-haired tail. Yes, that's right, I was facing backwards, and worse, I was RIDING BACKWARDS!

I turned around to see where we were racing. Then I did the only logical thing I could do. I screamed! A small, colourful fence loomed ahead. Did the big-butted brute plan to jump? If only horses had an 'Off' button. But since they don't, and for lack of a better idea, I shrieked:

'STOPPP!!'

Right before the jump, the horrid horse pulled up. Unfortunately, I did not. Because of the dumb law of momentum, I flew backwards off Horsebum (good riddance) and soared over the fence before angling down on the far side (according to the dumber law of gravity), crash-landing bum first in a pond.

'Gross!' I cried as the foul brown water splashed and soaked into my clothes.

'Ow!' I groaned as my bum landed and I began to slide across the slimy bottom.

'Oops,' I moaned when I finally stopped and looked over one shoulder at the wet and fizzing zapporter. So I was bruised, slimed, in serious trouble with my dad and a long way from that Noble Prize.

Lush pastures and horse jumps surrounded me, a postcard-perfect rural scene. I hated postcard-perfect rural scenes. Behind me, much more interesting, a huge castle hogged the skyline. It glistened with gold, like something out of a fairy tale freshly burst to life…

A movement caught my good eye. Oh. It was just Horsehead the Braindead, standing beside my pond as if it was checking out my wet and humiliating situation. As if. The beast almost seemed to be… smiling.

'You horse-brained horse!' I yelled in frustration. 'Why did you stop?'

'Well,' the thing whinnied, 'you asked me to stop!'

'I… you…' I spluttered. 'Spoke… just…'

'My name is Franklin.' The horror reached out a long black leg to help me up. 'I'm sorry I ran, and sorrier that you fell off. But you startled me when you landed on my back. I do hope your fall didn't cause that black eye.'

'I startled YOU? And yeah, um… you did cause my black eye, you bully!' I pushed aside his big hoof-smelling hoof and stood up on my own. This made no sense. 'How come you can speak Australian?' I demanded.

The horse replied with a faint smile, 'How come you can speak Uponian?'

'I didn't know I did.' I rubbed my chin. 'What are you really? Two midgets in a horse suit?? An android??? A late April Fool's hologram???? There must be a tape recorder stuck down your throat!'

I grabbed the fake nag by its fake head and wrenched open its big fake mouth. Ignoring the drool dribbling down my fingers, I peered down its dark, stinky throat, but all I could see were lots of big, squared-off teeth and a few stray lumps of… pumpkin pie? Pyew, sure stank of pumpkin pie too! I stepped back and looked suspiciously at this freak Franklin. He had a mean face, like one of Uncle Bob's crazy horses. I didn't like his black hair either, or the too-cute white diamond on his chest. Only a fool would trust this… Franklinstein. Talking horses just weren't natural.

'Waitaminute!' I suddenly beamed. 'If you're really a talking horse, then that must mean…' My head whirred. 'Where am I? Is this still Australia?? Still Planet Earth???'

'Arse-trailer?' The stallion snorted. 'Earth? What odd names. This is Uponia, the Planet of Ponies and People, pronounced 'You-Pony-Aaah.' Surely you must know th-'

'Yesss!' I cried and punched the air. 'I've done it! I've zapped space! Hello No-bell!' I would've danced a lot more, but I felt a bit embarrassed splashing around in a pond with a stupid horse looking on. I had to remember my mission.

In my most sensible, Organised voice, I said, 'I'm Erasmus. Who's in charge on this planet? (Please, please be a human.)'

Hagar-head horse smiled. 'The ruler in charge of this planet is indeed a human. He is the king who owns this equestrian arena, my lord and master. For I am Franklin, the King's Prime E-'

'Yeah, yeah, I get you. Now get me. TAKE. ME. TO. YOUR. LEADER!'

'You wish to meet King Reginald?'

'Do I have to ask 99 times? Look, I'm a very important ambassador. I'm on a mission, and time is money. So shake those groove hooves!'

'Climb onto my back,' laughed Franklin. 'We shall ride to the King!'

'I'd rather walk. I know your type, Fur Face. You just go announce my arrival. Remember to say what a mega day this is for your backwater world!'


CHAPTER FOUR: Doing The Royal Haggle

The king's throne room was so big, you could've fit a Tyrannosaurus Rex footy tournament in there. It was lit by hundreds of weird looking, mutated chickens holding light bulbs in their beaks. An honour guard of horses stood fanned out from the king's throne, which rose up on a stepped podium, as if the king was on sale. I was almost glad Franklin had insisted I dry off first. I'd also changed into my party shirt with the barbecued cats design, so everyone would take me seriously.

All eyes were on me as I approached, and there were some pretty weird eyes present. A dozen fancily dressed humans surrounded the king, all on their knees. As I drew closer, I realised the king's throne was made of several interwoven people, dressed in cloth of dazzling gold. The king clearly had an ego problem, but who could blame him? He was quite handsome, with a full head of wavy hair beneath his crown (unlike my mad dad). Here was someone I could deal with. Someone rich (and not a horse).

I spoke up in my boldest voice. 'I see you are a king with a taste for funky chairs!'

'Indeed,' the king boomed. 'I am King Reginald the Seventy-seventh, Ruler of Uponia from the foothills of the Bloodhorse Mountains to the farthest beach in Seahorsia, Conqueror of the Trots Flats and several bits of the eastern territories, heir of the late lamented Reginald the Seventy-sixth and Monarch of Just About Everything.'

'G'day,' I replied. 'I am Erasmus E. James the First, uh… Ambassador of the Planet Earth, er… Ruler of my bedroom from the door knob to the farthest cupboard, um… Conqueror of 76 computer games, Emperor of science projects, all-round child genius, heir of the dog and, ah… I'm a prince too. Really. And I have come to haggle business.'

'Fabulous!' King Reginald laughed. 'You speak boldly, young ambassador. I am not used to such language from my own subjects, which confirms you may indeed be from another planet. Yet what is this business of which you speak?'

'Trade,' I smiled. 'The machine that I must use to return to my planet has been damaged. I need it repaired.' From my backpack, I removed the zapporter. It dribbled brown pond water onto the golden tiles and spat a few sparks.

'Hmm.' The King clapped his hands. A magpie-faced man in a blue cloak appeared from behind the throne. 'This is Lord Whizman, head of my Inventions Department. He can repair your trinket, I am certain.'

Whizman snaked forward to paw at my dad's invention. 'This is surprisingly advanced,' he muttered. 'And very wet. The whole machine will need to be taken apart and dried before we can even look at the problem. Could take weeks of valuable time. Expensive job. Very expensive.'

'Expensive,' repeated the King to me. 'And what have you to offer in return, Ambassador Prince Erasmus?'

'Inventions!' I replied. 'You see, I'm an inventor too! I have plans for many useful things here with me.' I pulled out the schematics from my waterproof folder. 'How about a microwave oven?'

King Reginald shook his head. 'Uponia is a very advanced world. I doubt you could have any inventions we might need.'

'Yeah, right,' I scoffed and looked around at the chook raffle refugee lighting system and the retro horsey fashions. 'You probably haven't even discovered broadband yet!'

'Eh?'

I tried a different sales pitch. 'What about a solar powered umbrella? Or a wallaby wheelchair?? Every kingdom needs one of those. Or, um… a solid plastic container of genuine Vietnamese food???'

But the King shook his head at everything I suggested. I guess to him my inventions were just dumb words he'd never heard of (like floofyxzwackqwok might sound to us Earthlings). The King's lackeys were beginning to mutter. I needed to actually demonstrate something…

'Try this!' I ran up the podium and handed the King my LameBoy. 'My favourite is the game up now: Drag Drag Freak Racer. It has an excellent selection of super souped-up cars driven by some crazy but stylish transvestites.'

The King gave me a puzzled look. 'What are these… cars… of which you speak?'

'Check out the game.' I pointed to the LameBoy in his hands. 'It won't bite. Yeah, that's it. Press the Y button with your thumb. Now select your drag racer and ball gown using the Z button with your other thumb. Yeah, you're on it. Nice matching combo. Now you're on the starting line. Don't forget your seat belt. Starting flag… Go! Cool, now you're a real drag queen king racing a freaky drag drag racer! Not too fast into the corner… Ooh, you took out that granny! Wooh, you took out those biker police!! Woohoo, you took out your own car!?! Nice gruesome crash. Warned you about the seatbelt.'

Then it hit me… the stenchy stench of too many horses in one throne room (I felt like throne up). This dumb planet mustn't even have cars yet! I chuckled and pulled out my plans for a Holdent Model EH from the year my dad was born. This was my last chance, so I grabbed it.

'I hold here the plans for a car! A REAL car. Just like this LameBoy game, but no game! On my planet, everyone owns a car, except the financially challenged. The reason is simple. Cars are FAST! Many times faster than the fastest horse. And this invention never tires. All the best planets have cars. Of course, you'll need to master steel, rubber and chrome production, and build a few factories and discover oil and probably upgrade your roads, but it'll all be worthwhile, especially if you're into speed and efficiency. So how about it, King Reg? Are you a dull old school horse hauler, or a cool new school King of Cars?? Have we a deal???'

Every lackey, horse, mutant chook and Aussie boy in that throne room held their breath and waited for the King's reply.

'Throne room to King Reg?' I asked again. 'Hello? There's too much blue-faced breath-holding going on out here.'

But the King didn't seem to be listening. He was concentrating too hard on something else… a certain electronic game in his lap. I was used to my dad being lost in his work, so I knew just what to do. I stood right next to the King and bellowed, 'HAVE WE A DEAL?'

That did the trick. Reg almost fell off his throne. His human armrests began to snigger, but just as quickly stopped.

'What? Oh, yes.' The King recovered his composure (and his throne). 'Yes, of course I accept your trade. In exchange for the plans to build a car, you will be my honoured guest until my inventing team has repaired your… other gizmo.'

'Done,' I said, and handed him the EH car plans.

'Fabulous.'

'Excuse me, sire,' interrupted Whizman, notepad in hand. 'But how do you spell car?'
'Dolt!' sneered Reg. 'Of course it's car: K. A. R!'

I opened my mouth to correct him before deciding, well, what's the point of being absolute boss if you can't impose a little zany spelling? (And a deal is a deal is a deal.)

King Reg turned back to me. 'Now, I propose a further trade.'

'Shoot.'

The King held up my LameBoy. 'This kar racing game is… somewhat addictive.'

'Tell me about it,' I smirked. 'You know, those things are expensive where I come from.'

'Of that I am certain,' declared the King. 'Hmm. How does this trade sound? I keep the LameBoy with its… Freak Freak… Drag Racer game, while you return to your home planet carrying your own body weight in gold pyramids?'

'Yeeh…' I gasped.

'Double your weight in gold!' The King boomed.

'Wooh…' My heart thudded.

'Quadruple your weight in gold!' The King rose to his feet and thundered, 'My final offer!'

'Erh… Sold!' I croaked. 'Sold to the king with an eye for a bargain! I'll, um, even throw in all these other plans.' Whizman scuttled out and gathered up my pile of schematics.

I took a deep breath and gazed around the mighty throne room. If only I'd brought a video camera to record this historic moment. For who would ever have thought I'd end up here (wherever here was): the focus of a whole planet's attention? That I'd become a brilliant inventor who really can make a difference, actually improve a world for the better? Be a hero! A friend of royalty! Be popular, with a name revered, not mocked (and bashed), plus make a tidy gold profit to boot! Was this, like… Reverse Earth?

'Fabulously fabulous!' Reginald sat back down. 'By the way, what is your top score?'

'Five billion,' I couldn't help but boast. 'I've clocked FFDR and mastered every track.'

The King looked angry, but only for a second. 'You have presented both myself and my inventing team with great challenges this day, Prince Erasmus. In the meantime, while we attend to your repairs and organise your gold, perhaps you might like a brief tour of our fair planet? If you desire, I can organise the fastest transport in the land to take you via the Trans-Uponian Highway to see the Great Wonder of Uponia.'

'Why not?' I shrugged. 'Sounds like I've some time to torture.'


WANT to read more? Then buy my book! (pretty please with mutant chook heads on top)
Cheery cheers,

DC Green

Read more!